Experiment #16 - Truly Madly Viking - Chapter 3

[itsjustthemads]

Truly Madly Viking - Chapters 3
By Sandra Hill


The man and the three captive orcas were swimming underwater now, blurrily visible in the blue water, heading straight for the bleacher area. When they were about thirty feet away, man and beasts dipped deep into the water, then came spy-hopping up into four spectacular perpendicular leaps.

MakubeX: The trainer threw all four of them a fish for a job well done.

It was one thing to see a two-ton animal skyrocket from the water like one of God’s blessed creatures. It was quite another thing to see a huge male, all sinewy muscles encased in a flawlessly proportioned body, perform the same remarkable feat, whipping a swath of long blond hair back off his face at the pinnacle of his surge.

It was especially remarkable because the man was naked.

MakubeX: *just... facepalms*
Linkara: Not in this day and age it isn’t.
MakubeX: Wait, wait, wait... Is this a PETA stunt?

Naked! He wore nothing but a--Oh, good Lord!--was that a sheathed sword attached to a belt at his narrow waist and secured with a leather thong to his thigh?

MakubeX: No. No, I refuse to make any sword comments this go round.
Xion: *looks confused*
MakubeX: ....You’re better off not knowing.
Linkara: *Opens his mouth, pauses, then closes his mouth*

No wonder sirens could be heard in the distance; soon police would be swarming in like killer bees.

Linkara: This is basically in my contract by this point, but... *clears his throat* Bees. My God.

No wonder there were screams of “Stand back! Stand back!” from a single security officer, who was having trouble getting through the crowd of three hundred or so spectators. The amphitheater further thwarted their progress, with no place for the spectators to exit, except where police would have to come in.

Linkara: The problem persisted despite having been fined by the fire marshal three times.

Bare seconds

MakubeX: I see what you did there...

passed before the man came down from his leap and landed on his feet, standing in shoulder-high water. Then he began to walk up the sloping bottom toward them, the water revealing his nude body inch by glorious inch. With the lazy indifference of a man comfortable with his body, he reached up with both hands and finger-combed his long hair--surely a champagne blond when it was dry--off his face.

Linkara: Because he’s worth it.

Although his jaw was covered with several days’ worth of whiskers, it didn’t detract from his appeal at all. Despite his relaxed attitude, his eyes were wary.

Is this part of the act? If so, I’m impressed, Maggie thought, fanning her suddenly hot face with an Orcaland program.

MakubeX: Yes, because family-friendly parks have started making nude men part of their acts. Fun for the whole family.
Linkara: Maybe in France...

“He’s a trespasser!” one man in the crowd accused. “Put him in the slammer.” The guy’s stout body sported a T-shirt proclaiming, If Swimming Is So Good For Your Weight, How Do You Explain Whales?

MakubeX: There’s three over there. Why don’t you see what happens when you ask them?

“Ha!” the blond god exclaimed. He stood in water up to his waist now, at least fifteen feet away. “The first person who tries to slam me will be missing an essential body part.

MakubeX: Heads. He’s referring to their heads!
Xion: What else would he be talking about?
Linkara: I was thinking more in terms of “left kidneys,” since obviously nobody in this story actually uses their heads.

Besides, there is no such thing as trespassing in Valhalla.” The man’s voice carried over the crowd in a strange foreign accent.

“This ain’t Vail, fella,” a cowboy-clad,

Xion: So he’s wearing cowboys? That doesn’t sound comfortable.

gray-haired man commented in a heavy Southern drawl. “This heah’s Texas. You’re bout two thousand miles off course. Ha, ha, ha!”

“Tax-us? Many lands require scutage, but ne’er have I heard of a country that asks to be taxed.” The hunk

Xion: Hunk of what?
MakubeX: I’m not sure I really want to explain this one.

just shook his head in confusion.

“Threatening an endangered species...the jerk!” another man called out.

Linkara: Pretty sure the orcas are more of a danger to him than the other way around.

To Maggie’s amazement, it was an outraged Harry, sitting beside her.

Linkara: The complacent Harry on her other side said nothing.

“I have not threatened anyone...yet,” the stranger asserted. “And, in truth, I never ‘jerked’ anyone that I recall.”

MakubeX: *as the stranger* Of course, I tend to black out when I drink heavily and there was that one time I woke up next to a strange man, so who can really say?

“Indecent exposure...arrest the man for public nudity,” a middle-aged lady demanded as she peeked through the fingers that covered her eyes.

MakubeX: *as the lady* But let me take some photos first. For evidence. ...yeah...

Her T-shirt said, All Men Are Idiots, and I Married the King. Her bored husband sitting next to her wore a T-shirt that said, perhaps appropriately, Sometimes I Wake Up Grumpy; Other Times I Just Let Her Sleep.

Xion: But Grumpy’s a he...
Linkara: A naked man has just appeared in a pool of orcas and you’re questioning the logic of a side character’s t-shirt saying.
Xion: I thought asking questions about the naked man made things more awkward?
MakubeX: Personally, I’m questioning how the husband is bored, what with the naked man, police, and all.

Maggie couldn’t tell for sure if the “grumpy” lady was pleased or disappointed that the blond god stood in place momentarily, and was still covered to the waist by the murky water.

Linkara: Believe me, the audience is grateful for that one.

“Now I know that I have arrived in the strangest land of all. Since when has nudity become a crime?”

“A weapon...the maniac is carrying a weapon. Duck, everyone, duck!”

MakubeX: Disco duck.

“Duck? What duck?” The man twisted his neck this way and that. Then he shrugged as if to indicate there was not a duck in sight.

Xion: Because Donald went back to Disney Castle.
Linkara: We’re either in stand-up comedy hell or at open mic night.

Maggie was becoming as confused as this man appeared to be.

Linkara: The audience, having already been there for quite a while, had long since given up.

There was chaos all around them. Police and security guards were attempting to run forward, guns raised,

Linkara: Wait, why didn’t they wait until they had a clear shot until pulling their guns in a crowd full of civilians? I’m amazed nobody’s dead yet.
MakubeX: You’re expecting logic in this story?
Xion: There’s a first time for everything.

but their progress was impeded by the capacity crowd, which was standing, inadvertently forming a barricade, some cheering, some screaming with fright, still others calling out their opinions. Even mild-mannered Harry, who claimed a longtime interest in orcas, was yelling with outrage at the interloper, whom he perceived as a threat to Gonzo, Mork, and Mindy.

Xion: Who?
MakubeX: It’s either the orcas’ names or it’s Alien Day at Orcaland.

But Maggie and her two daughters sat stone still, mesmerized by the spectacle unfolding before them.

MakubeX: Orcaland - family-friendly fun for all.
Linkara: Think of the children!

“And you wanted to go roller coasting,” Beth told her sister.

MakubeX: I’d prefer that, actually. It’d make me less queasy.

“This is better than Jerry Springer,” Suzy offered with awe.

MakubeX: Yes, no digital blurring.
Linkara: I’m more worried about the fact that she lets her kids watch Jerry Springer at all.

But Maggie had more important things on her mind

Linkara: More important than the welfare of her children. Mother of the Year, everyone.

as she continued to gape at what had to be the most gorgeous man she’d ever seen--one of God’s perfect creations, superbly formed and wonderfully wild, just like the orcas.

More than that, Maggie sensed an eerie connection between them...

MakubeX: ...just like the orcas.
Xion: *hums Twilight Zone theme without knowing quite how she knows it.*
Linkara: Oh, so he’s my siamese twin!

a connection that was getting stronger the closer he came.

“Cool!” Beth exclaimed.

“Ditto,” Suzy added. Then: “So that’s what a too-too looks like.”

MakubeX: I can’t decide if it would be better or worse for her to be five years old... Does anyone seriously call it a “too-too”? Must make ballet classes interesting.
Linkara: Much worse, not that I’ve ever heard, and I doubt Maggie cares enough about her kids to get them dance lessons.
Xion: There seem to be a lot of words for it. Doesn’t that get confusing?
MakubeX: Well, generally, there are a handfu-... a few that people generally use in each language.
Linkara: Actually, you’d be amazed at the metaphors that people can come up with.
MakubeX: I’ve been in the internet since I could read. Believe me, I know.

“Eeew. It looks like a fat worm.”

“I didn’t know men had hair there.”

Linkara: *as one of the daughters* Wow, everything really is bigger in Texas!
Xion:...I don’t want to know, do I?
MakubeX: No. No, you don’t.
Linkara: Yeah, she’s definitely five.

It was then that Maggie registered the fact that her daughters, too, had been staring at the nude man, openmouthed, like every other female in the park. Even though is privates had been visible for only a few seconds, Maggie’s maternal instincts kicked in. “Cover your eyes,” she ordered.

Linkara: Too little too late, lady.

Suzy looked at Beth. Beth looked at Suzy. They both looked at their mother--and laughed. “Yeah, right,” they said simultaneously, and did just the opposite. Their eyes were glued to the man emerging slowly from the water, his step confident.

MakubeX: When he walk on by, girls be lookin’ like damn he fly...
Linkara: Wiggle wiggle wiggle wiggle wiggle. No. *facepalm*

When he reached the bulkheads, he raised himself on braced arms, causing veins to stand out on the ropy muscles outlined under skin deeply tanned by the sun.

Linkara: Oh, so he does use ancient viking steroids. Good to know!

As he panted to regain his breath, water drops glistened on silky chest hairs. Lordy, Lordy!

Linkara: *as Maggie* Lawd a’mighty, I do declare there’s a man over here!

She noticed the intricately etched arm rings that encircled his upper arms. Were they a new male fashion accessory...gold arm braclets more suited to ancient warriors than modern man? If not, they should be.

Linkara: Because if there’s one thing randomly appearing nude guys know how to do, it’s accessorize.

Thank goodness, his more intimate body parts were now hidden by the bulkhead as he surveyed the crowd before him, as if searching for someone in particular. Maggie saw confusion in his eyes,

Xion: It was standing near the iris.

which opened wider and wider as they moved along the rows of people gawking at him like a freak at a sideshow. He was either a really good actor, or he was a man who’d fallen into a situation he did not understand.

Linkara: Much like the readers!

Either way, this was a day Maggie would not soon forget.

* * *

Jorund was totally confused.

MakubeX: Join the club, Jorund.

Well, he supposed that was understandable. Entering Asgard, land of the gods, would muddle even the most clearheaded warrior.

Linkara: Yeah, that whole dying thing’s a pain, isn’t it.

Still, it passed all bounds, this sight that he beheld. If this was the otherworld, then the land of the gods was mightily overvalued. Where were the walls made of golden spears and the roof of gold shields?

Linkara: Factory recall.
MakubeX: Budget cuts.
Xion: They’re not the best things for building with, anyway.

Supposedly, Valhalla, hall of the gods, had 540 doors, each big enough to allow eight hundred armed men through side by side. Furthermore, he saw no gilded longships, nor groaning boards overladen with plentiful foods and tuns of ale.

Linkara: And the silent boards just weren’t good enough.

Jorund blinked with bafflement.

Not a god was there in sight--not Odin, nor Thor, nor any of the lesser deities, not even the mischievous Loki...and for a certainty, missing were the beautiful Valkyries that were supposed to escort brave warriors into Valhalla.

Linkara: They’re all getting ready for their upcoming parts in The Avengers.
Xion: Because they’ve always really wanted to be actors.

Most important, he saw no one who even remotely resembled his brother Rolf. That at least was good news. Apparently his brother was still alive.

Too bad Jorund was not.

Best he gather his wits about him and study the situation. He should pull himself up onto land and walk among these curious people who were gaping at him as if he were the strange one. However, he was much aware of his nudity, and did not relish displaying his manly parts before one and all--impressive though they might be. He was little inclined toward modesty, but he would be a lackwit not to mind being the only one unclothed...and vulnerable.

MakubeX: So thinks the one with the sword.

An idea came unbidden to him. What if this were a test? Mayhap this was just the outer portal to Valhalla--not unlike the Christian limbo, leading to heaven.

Linkara: What would a Viking know about that?

Mayhap he must endure some ordeal in order to finally enter the hall of the gods. Could being naked in a clothed crowd constitute such an ordeal?

Linkara: Reading this book sure does.

Without hesitation, he leveled himself up onto the narrow, wharflike ledge, pretending unconcern over hid nudty. Standing, legs braced apart, hands clasped behind his back, he harbored a passinf vain concern that his staff might be all shriveled up, as male genitals were wont to be when in cool water, but he resisted the impulse to glance downward.

MakubeX: Much unlike the spectators.

Instead, with practiced nonchalance, he looped his thumbs in his leather belt and slowly scanned the crowd.

Linkara: I’m not sure I want to show myself off in front of a crowd. To remedy this, I’ll show myself off in front of a crowd! ...wait.

On his initial survey of the staring faces, he noticed children. In a blink he grabbed a large toweling cloth off the ground near his feet and wrapped it about his hips, leaving an opening on his sword side. It was one thing to exhibit bold arrogance before adults, quite another to show himself to children. He was not a pederast.

Linkara: Just like Maggie’s not a terrible mother!
Xion: What’s a--*looks at the others.* Right, something I don’t want to know.
Makubex: Precisely.

Who knew there would be children in Asgard? But he supposed it made sense. There had to be a place for all the young persons to go.

Linkara: Nowadays, we call it boarding school.

But, oh, that brought another thought to mind: would he be seeing his own precious dearlings here...Greta and Girta?

Linkara: Considering he’d just been standing completely starkers in front of a crowd that included kids? I’d hope not.

No, it was impossible. Where did these fanciful ideas come from? No doubt he had salt on the brain

Xion: Wouldn’t that hurt?
Linkara: Feels about the same as sitting through this dreck, actually.

from all that time spent underwater. His brother Magnus would call it pickling of the brain, though most Vikings did it with mead, rather than brine, and were known as aleheads.

MakubeX: I suppose it is more fun to say than “raging drunkards”.

Enough of this nonsense!

Linkara: Save it for the author.

He was a warrior...one of the finest in all the Varangian Guard. Where were his well-honed instincts? Why was he standing about waiting for something to happen?

MakubeX: What does it matter? Who really cares? When will he stop standing there and actually do something?

Every good solder knew it was best to take the offensive.

Linkara: Well, he’s got the distraction part of this offensive strategy all taken care of.

He inhaled deeply and let all the sounds of this unfamiliar place seep into his pores.

Xion: That sounds kind of gross.

Some part of him had already suspected that foreign tongues were being spoken here, yet he’d been able to understand--and speak--moments ago. At first all the words had seemed to blend together, like endless, raucous chatter. No matter. He would do what Thora, the killer whale, had instructed him: Listen, Viking. Listen with your heart.

MakbueX: Que que na-to-ra, you will understand.
Linkara: When he’s calling for you!

Well, he did not know about listening with his heart, but he opened his mind as best he could and concentrated with all his might. Soon the words began to separate, like wheat from chaff.

“Armed and dangerous,” one man shouted in an accusing manner.

“Well, of course I’m armed,” he snapped back, and was surprised, just as he had been moments ago, that the words coming out of his mouth were in this strange language. “And you had best hope that you do not learn firsthand just how dangerous I am.”

Linkara: *very. slow. applause.*

The man who had shouted stepped back, even though he was separated from Jorund by the several hundred people sitting and standing in the bench area. The man exchanged glanced with some men behind him who wore identical clothing--dark blue braies and long-sleeved, collared sherts of a lighter hue. Silver, starlike, metal emblems flashed on their chests, and on their heads were ridiculous round hats with hard brims, which were the oddest helmets he’d ever seen. They would be no protection at all in a real battle. By the looks of their livery, these men must be the royal hird for the king of this land, or guardsmen to one god or another, if this indeed were Asgard.

Linkara: Just for the record: if your character is already an idiot, a foreign language is not going to make him sound smarter.

More important, the men carried metal implements in their hands, which they pointed in his direction. He sensed that they were weapons of some type.

MakubeX: Or walkie-talkies.
Linkara: For when invisible guns just don’t cut it anymore.

Surreptitiously, he loosened his sword from its scabbard, making ready to defend himself, if necessary. He would not attack unless he was provoked, but it was always best to be prepared when in hostile territory.

Xion: So, that means drawing a weapon that might make the others feel threatened and more likely to attack?
Linkara: Now you’re catching on!

It appeared the armed guard was having trouble spearheading a way through the mob, so he had a few more moments to study the situation.

Linkara: For all the good it would do him.

Stepping back slightly, he began to examine the people standing and sitting in the arena.

What manner of dress was this that people wore here? The arms and legs of many of the women and children were bare, as were those of some of the men. He supposed it was in deference to the heat. Still, it appeared odd to him.

MakubeX: This coming from the one wearing little more than a towel.
Xion: At least he’s wearing that much?

The majority of the men, besides the guardsmen, wore short-sleeved, collarless sherts with indecipherable messages on them, like Just Do It, Forget About Your Gardens; Show Me Your Busche, Houston Oilers, and My Wild Oats Have Turned to Shredded Wheat.

MakubeX: Decipherable enough to read, at least. What is this author’s obsession with t-shirt slogans?
Linkara: They needed to hit a certain word count in order to be published.

Later he would have to ponder this bizarre business of people wearing words on their bodies, like human books. In addition, these people wore braies made of coarse-woven blue fabric similar to sailcloth, and high-heeled leather boots.

High-heeled boots on men! Are the men of this place demented? Do they not know how ridiculous they look? Do their toes not hurt and their ankles not ache at the end of a day spent in men’s work?

Xion: Men and women do different work? *looks down at her own heeled boots* These never bothered me.
MakubeX: It depends on the time period and the culture, really.

His keen eyes were scanning the front row now, left to right, when he attention snagged on one particular person, then doubled back for closer inspection. Initially, he’d thought it was a diminutive, dark-haired male because of the short haircut in the Frankish mode, which exposed the nape and ears. But no, no male had the curves this person did.

MakubeX: Jorund clearly has never met Kazuki-san.
Linkara: *opens mouth, considers things, closes mouth*

Full, rounded globes filled a collarless, knitted shert that had short sleeves and stretched barely to the waist. From the arch of her hips to just above the knee she was covered by a garment of the same blue fabric as some of the booted men.

But then she stood, as if involuntarily, and raised a hand to her hair nervously, which caused the shert to lift and the bottom garment to recede, leaving a band of bare skin exposed. It was that area between her shert and her lower apparel that caused his breath to catch and his heart to skip a beat.

Linkara: I’ve heard of boob guys and leg guys, but I’ve never heard of a two-square-inches-of-stomach guy.

In that region where smooth skin gleamed with a summery glow was the most enticing belly button he had ever seen--and he had seen more than a few--

MakubeX: TMI alert.

pierced with a small golden ring. It was not the first such ornament he’d ever viewed, but most of them had been on houris in Eastern harems.

Linkara: *as Jorund* I like you because you remind me of an exotic hooker! ...wait.

He couldn’t help smiling. In fact, another part of his body was starting to show its appreciation as well.

MakubeX: Oh, please tell me he’s not...

He had to be thankful now for the toweling cover over his nether parts.

Linkara: And we end the story with a tent pole. Great.
MakubeX: *stands, tugs on Xion’s arm* OKAY. It’s time to go. Right now.
Xion: *follows, though seems a bit confused by the rush* But...
MakubeX: Trust me, it’s time to get out of here.
Xion: Something I don’t need to know about?
MakubeX: More something I don’t really want to explain.
Xion: *looks thoughtful for a moment*...Okay.
Linkara: *picks up the BURY DEAD GUY HERE sign, stakes it in front of the screen, and follows them out*