Iron Liz (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
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itsjustagamerp2012-11-16 12:50 pm
punsofiron) wrote in itsjustagamerp2012-11-16 12:50 pm
Entry tags:
WHOSE SOL IS IT ANYWAY: PART ONE
The cockpit is set up as open as possible in the cramped space, with dull colored material decorating the area to best match the set of the old Whose Line is it Anyway? Neon lights adorn the outer edges of the set and back by the doors into the theater are four barstools in which sit the four contestants.
The cambots start rolling, the lights come on, the music plays, and a voiceover from Iron Liz sounds off;
Good evening everybody and welcome to...
On tonight’s show...
Dim your lights where applicable...Kotetsu T. Kaburagi!
Keep circulating the tapes...Minako Aino!
Watch out for snakes...Sora!
And, leave the Bronx! Harvey Finevoice!
Harvey: *mouths to the camera* SEND HELP!
Liz: *comes out on stage with a big smile and still dressed in the Sailor V costume* And I’m your host, Iron Liz! Tune in and let’s have some fun! *Liz crosses to a desk off to the side of the set, where she sits down in a swiveling chair and takes up a small stack of cards. The music dies down and she begins;*
Hello Satellite residents and convention attendees, and welcome to Whose SoL is it Anyway? the show where everything’s made up and the points don’t matter. That’s right, the points are just like whatever became of Coily after Spring Fever. For the majority of you here who have no idea what this is about, Whose SoL is it Anyway? is inspired by a similar comedy show from the 90s, Whose Line is it Anyway? Yet another thing we stole from the British. The way it works is our four performers are going to perform a series of games right here on stage, and they’re going to come up with everything you see tonight right off the top of their heads, based on these cards *which she holds up* which they haven’t seen before, and based on suggestions from the network. At the end of each game I give them points, just because I can, and at the end of the show I pick a winner, the winner does something special with me, while the losers have to eat 90s Kid’s homemade Thanksgiving dinner.
Minako:
Liz: Yeah, just keep that in mind when your anniversary comes up.
Minako:
Liz: Let’s get things started with a game called Let’s Make a Date! This is for all four of you. *four stools are set up onstage, three of them have an envelope on them* Minako is the contestant of a dating game, and the other three are the bachelors that she’s trying to pick - just like any other day on the Satellite. However, we’ve also given them a strange quirk or identity that they have to act out, written on those cards that they’ve never seen before, and at the end of the game she has to try and guess who they are.
Minako: ...Do I have to do on a date with the winner afterwards? o.o
Liz: No. I’m pretty sure some of them are too old for you anyway.
Minako: ….*eyes Sora with a curious headtilt*
Sora: *feels pretty nervous...*
Kotetsu: *only looks mildly offended... he seems to approve of his card, tho’*
Harvey: *glances at his card, then leans over to read Kotetsu’s*
Liz: So just remember Mina that I can get a hose at any time...whenever you’re ready, take it away.
Minako: *clears throat, plops a hat on and then--perfect Doug Walker impression!?* Hello, I’m the Nostalgia Critic, I’m on this dating game so you don’t have...to...
Liz: *spittake*
Harvey: *raises an eyebrow*
Minako: ...anyways. I’m here looking for a date! Yes. I am that desperate. So let’s get started! *Phoenix Wright point* BACHELOR NUMBER ONE!
Kotetsu: [TORGO FROM MANOS: THE HANDS OF FATE] *hunched over* Yes...?
Minako: I’ve just been invited over to a Halloween party at Cinema Snob’s house. He’s expecting me and my date to be dressed up in a....shall we say...exciting costume. And because I am a Christmas person and not so much a Halloween person, I’m letting you dress me up! What would you dress me as~?
Kotetsu: I would... dress you in... a white gown... and tie you... to a... pole...
Minako: *blinkblink* ...wat
Kotetsu: Do you... not approve?
Minako: Um, well, not that I exactly look forward to Brad’s parties, or kinkiness, but...that would make it a tad difficult for me to actually....get to his parties...
Kotetsu: *has nothing to add to that, but will wobble awkwardly on his stool*
Minako: *awwwwwwwwwwwwkward pause awkward pause awkward pause awkward pause awkward pause awk-* O....K then! Moving on, BACHELOR NUMBER TWO!
Sora: [GETTING MORE AND MORE HYPER FROM TOO MUCH CAFFEINE] Yeah!
Minako: The evil, heartless, demonspawn of hell known as Mara Wilson has insulted my honor and you’re going to go out and kick her child actress caboose back to Sodor! What weapon would you choose to ensure that she never &#$@s up my videos ever again!? And was I just censored!?
Sora: Yoooou should pick...a SWORD! No wait, a bow and arrow! Oh...a bow and arrow that fires SWORDS!
Minako: …Ok, I will admit that last one is an unbelievably awesome weapon and it needs to exist now. Call me after the show, I’ll give you that she-witch’s address so you can get on that...*takes out a piece of paper and starts scribbling*
Sora: Okay! You should make...five of them! In case you need to fire FIVE swords!
Minako: Hnnnn...*strokes imaginary beard* yes...yesssss....but it needs something else...perhaps the bow and arrow should shoot swords that shoot acid...that shoots bullets! IT’S PERFECT!!
Sora: It’s REALLY perfect! Oh boy oh boy!
Minako: OOOOOH BOOOOOY! NYAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! *a lightning bolt shoots across the set, and instantly Minako stops laughing* Sorry I need to move on to the next guy. *OBJECTION!* BACHELOR NUMBER THREE!
Harvey: [STRESSED DRIVER STUCK IN TRAFFIC ON THE FREEWAY] *huffs and holds both hands up before him* Yeah?
Minako: I have just learned that another animated Titanic movie other than the one with the rapping dog existed. Now I have plunged into a suicidal, booze-fueled despair not seen since the...last time I learned another animated Titanic movie other than the one with the rapping dog existed. *dramatically soft, weak, high-pitched voice* How would you comfort me in my moment of crisis!?
Harvey: Well, gee, toots. I’d love to come help you out - *he turns to Kotetsu* - if only SOMEONE WOULD MOVE THEIR @&!%#! C’mon! *he slams the palm of his hand in the air a few times*
Kotetsu: *wobble wobble* Yes, Master...
Minako: ...woooooow, suddenly the pole stuff makes sense. Ok, from now on Bachelor Number One, *He-Man-esque voice with demonic toothy grin as she points* YOU SHALL CALL ME MASTER!!
Liz: *watching all this while chinfisting and clearly wishing she had some popcorn right now*
Kotetsu: Yes, Master... But this Master *points to Harvey* ...would not approve.
Minako: WELL. I do not approve of his disapproval! ARGUMENT INVALID!
Sora: Hey, I wanna be the masterrrr! Me memememe!
Harvey: SHADDUP! You want me to try to turn this thing around?
Minako: NO! YOU GO STAND IN THE CORNER UNTIL ITS YOUR TURN TO ANSWER QUESTIONS!
Sora: Is it my turn now?
Minako: NO!! BACHELOR NUMBER ONE!!
Kotetsu: Yes... Master... *thinks* ...Master number 2.
Sora: Is it my turn now?
Minako: *takes out gun and cocks it* Ask. ONE. MORE. TIME.
Sora: ...My turn now?
Minako: *SHOOTS- of course its a toy gun that shoots blanks with SFX but yeah* BACHELOR NUMBER ONE WE’RE GOING TO DINNER INSTEAD OF THE NEW EXPENDABLES MOVIE BECAUSE THOSE SUCK WHERE DO YOU TAKE ME!?!
Kotetsu: We should stay home... and order a pizza. The master doesn’t approve of... where I would pick.
Minako: *blink* ...actually, that begs the question: why are you not dating the Master? And if you’re that gung ho about obeying them, wouldn’t the Master not approve of you being here!?
Kotetsu: The Master is... with us always...
Minako: …............................yeah not even with a ten foot pole. BACHELOR NUMBER TWO!
Sora: Yes yes what? *he takes a swig of some soda*
Minako: ...I thought I shot you--whatever.
Sora: Oh, you did? Okay!
Minako: *deep exasperated breath* O...k. I’ve decided....for...whatever ungodly reason which might possess me...to let you co-star on my show for an episode as a Internet reviewer. What would your show nickname be and why?
Sora: Uhhh...AWESOME Kid Person Guy! *and he breaks out into giggles*
Minako: ...And that is why you’ll never be on my show. Ever. *throws hands up* BACHELOR NUMBER THREE LET’S GET THIS OVER WITH!
Harvey: *waves a hand at her in exasperation*
Minako: If I shot you in the face right now, how painful would your death be? Show me how your final agonizing throes would go!! DANCE FOR ME!! *shoots into the air*
Harvey: *just. stares at her for a second. and then raises his hand like a gun.* Hell. Anything’s gotta be better than sittin’ here another three hours. *fires the gun at his head and slumps over*
Minako: *turns the gun on the other two contestants and starts shooting* YES! YESSSSS! DIE, ALL OF YOU!! I’M GOING TO KILL YOU AND THEN, WHEN I AM DONE!! I WILL WATCH SECRET OF NIMH ON A VCR MADE OUT OF YOUR SKIwow what the ^!@$ am I doing.
Sora: Well...this is probably why you don’t have a boyfriend?
Minako: ….........................…*shoots at Sora’s head* Stay down @&#$hole.
*BZZZTBZZZTBZZTBZZTBZZZZZZZT Liz has been slamming on the buzzer for the past twenty seconds you guys staaaaahp*
Liz: ...well. That escalated quickly. Minako, do you have ANY idea who these people are?
Minako: Well, I do know one thing. Never channeling Nostalgia Critic again, that guy really is a jerk!
Sora: No kidding!
Harvey: Yeah, a lot of the past two years suddenly makes a whole lot more sense...
Minako: Um, well...number one....Vincent D’Onofrio?
Kotetsu: Nope!
Liz: Less bug suit, more big knees.
Minako: ….O-OH! OH! Torgo!?
Liz: Yes!
Minako: Yaaaay! ♥ Ok, uh....number two is....um...er...*she actually looks completely stumped* kid on a sugar rush?
Liz: Close enough! He’s ingested way too much caffeine.
Sora: I thought sword-bow-and-arrows made sense if you had too much caffeine!
Liz: *laughs* You should see what I come up with when I have more than two cups of coffee.
Minako: Eeehee! Ok....um...Harvey was....a really annoyed taxi driver!
Liz: He’s a driver stuck in...
Minako: OH! Traffic.
Liz: Yes! *and that’s the endgame buzzer*
Liz: And now we know why the Nostalgia Critic is single. Two hundred points apiece.
Minako: *snort*
Liz: Let’s move on to a game called Duet! This is for Harvey and Minako, with the help of Tom Servo!
Minako: *stands up*
Harvey: *does also*
Liz: *gets up from the desk, goes off camera for a second and comes back tugging Gypsy along behind her* Hi there, what’s your name? *holds a microphone up to Gypsy*
Gypsy: Ummm. Gypsy?
Liz: Gypsy, what do you do for a living?
Gypsy: I uh. Run the higher functions of the Satellite of Love?
Liz: Sounds important. Come on up here for a bit. *drags Gypsy over to the stage* Harvey, Mina, this is Gypsy, she runs the higher functions of the Satellite of Love, and we all owe her our lives, so I want you guys to sing a duet to her in the style of...a country western love ballad.
Minako: ….Oh, like Garth Brooks?
Liz: Yes exactly.
Harvey: Why don’t you just take me out back and shoot me?
Liz: I could just give ya the eyes again, how about that?
Sora: What’s so bad about a country western love ballad?
Harvey: *just shakes his head at Liz reproachfully*
Liz: *just smiles* Alright, whenever you’re ready, take it away Tom!
Tom: *begins to hum some musical backup*
Minako: *clears throat. Be warned...you all remember that accent she used for Earth vs. Soup? Yeah. That’s the accent she’s using here*
Well, she’s got a purple head
Without her we’d all be dead
She’s got a looong vacuum tube and she’s a...girl!
She’s been up here so long
And no one’s ever sung her a song
Even though she keeps us uuuuup above the Earth...
Harvey: *...no. He’s not doing that accent with her. He’ll do a generic country accent, but never that*
Workin' all these days and nights
Just to keep us all alive
Don't you think that she deseeeerves to have a break?
But the Servos are insane
Crow may not even have a brain
Yes, Gypsy's the only dame fit for the job
Minako: That’s why everybody here loves Gypsy!
All the girls and boys on the SoL
owe her much, you see!
Harvey: It's because she's always on the ball
When some dumb plan goes awryyyyyy
That the Satellite ain't fallin' from the sky
*bzzzzzzzt! That’s the ending buzzer, Gypsy can go and they can sit down now*
Gypsy: Okaaaay. *And...she goes.*
Liz: Thank you very much Gypsy! That was great. A thousand points to Harvey because it hurt me more than it hurt you.
Minako: *headtilt*
Harvey: You wanna bet?
Liz: Sorry, all I got is points, man.
Harvey: Yeah, well, I’ll tell you what I got... *produces a flask and pours something into his glass*
Liz: Tell you what, after the show, you can chip in your points for whiskey.
Liz: Now let’s move onto a game called Infomercial! This is for Sora and Kotetsu; they’ve been given a box of props at center stage there, behind the podium, and what they’re going to do is use all those props that they’ve never seen before to advertise a miracle product that will cure Twilight addiction! A difficult task, I know, but if anybody can do it it’s you guys.
Kotetsu: ...you’ve got a bit too much faith in us, methinks.
Sora: There’s people addicted to it?
Liz: Alright, so whenever you’re ready, Sora and Kotetsu, take it away.
Kotetsu: *stands, rubbing his hands together* Ever finding yourself using excessive verbage? Find yourself hoping the love of your life will break into your room and watch you sleep every night? Finding sparkles sexy? You MIGHT have a problem.
Sora: But don’t worry, because THIS product is the solution!
Kotetsu: That’s right! Twilight addiction has become a serious problem and THIS box is THE cure! What’s inside, you ask?
Sora: Well, there’s...*Sora digs around in the box, and pulls out the teddy bear first.* For starters, you’ve got this handy werewolf-cuddle-patch! Hug this easy-to-clean teddy bear every night, and you’ll stop wanting to cuddle werewolves!
Kotetsu: Brilliant, right? That was totally my idea. As was this! *reaches in and pulls out a random item, which turns out to be... a butterfly net* This...! Because... Remember! Friends don’t let friends suffer from Twilight addiction. With this handy-dandy net, you’ll be sure they won’t flee when you try to cure them, too! Like so! *Sorry, Sora, you’re the stand-in Twihard* Can you move?
Sora: *Well...that was unexpected.* Nnnnno. I’m not getting that far. *But he still removes the butterfly net himself*
Kotetsu: See? Brilliance! What else we got in there?
Sora: Ummm... *Sora reaches inside, and pulls out a Pyramid Head helmet. What the heck is this supposed to be, anyway? It needs to be cleaned.* We’ve also got this helpful...snow...plow...helmet! Clearing the really high snow around your house with this hat helps remind you of how much coldness is really not that fun to cuddle, either!
Liz: *meanwhile trying not to choke on her mountain dew from laughing*
Kotetsu: *reaches in randomly again and triumphantly holds up a brick* And, of course, this! If all else fails, just smack some sense into yourself. *offers it to Sora* Wanna demonstrate?
Sora: *glances down at the brick, then back at Kotetsu...and carefully fwaps him with the brick.* Like that!
Kotetsu: *rubs where he was fwapped* Huh? Edward who? *jazz hands!* See! Works like a charm! ...what were we talking about again?
Sora: We were talking aboooout... *he looks back in the box, and pulls out the giant foam flower* ...This part! You offer this giant foam flower to your friend, or yourself, as a means of calming the mind after you’ve gotten over your Twilight addiction.
Kotetsu: Oh, right! Then there’s... this? *Kotetsu holds up a tetrahedron... and stares at it blankly* Uh... *he chucks it over his shoulder* Sorry, that’s from the Justin Bieber addiction relief kit.
Sora: Yeah. Uhh...*he digs around in the box again, and pulls out the rubber starfish* What you *really* need is this...starfish! It’s...the perfect pet for feeding and walking, so...you don’t think about Twilight at all? *he’s kinda failed at that part*
Kotetsu: And last but not least... *pulls out grilling tongs* this. These. Whatever. To...
Sora: ...Extract the Twilight addiction from you directly if all else fails!
Kotetsu: Right! Just apply like so... *he pinches his nose with ‘em*
*bzzzzzztbzztbzztbzzt that’s enough boys, have a seat*
Liz: Tell you what...five thousand points to Kotetsu’s concussion.
Kotetsu: *victory sign!*
Liz: Now let’s move on to a game called Superheroes, this is for all four of you. Harvey is an unlikely superhero and there’s some sort of crisis in the world that he needs to call on his superfriends for help with, and as they come in one at a time, they’re going to name each other. So what I need from all of you watching on Cambot is the name of an unlikely superhero for Harvey to be.
Pinkie: REALLY REALLY GREAT MUFFIN MAN!
Crow: TURKEY VOLUME GUESSING MAN!
Liz: I said UNlikely superhero, Crow. UNlikely.
Tom: INDESTRUCTIBLE ELBOW MAN!
Luna: CAPTAIN BIG DIPPER!
Liz: Indestructible Elbow Man! That’s a good one. (Sorry mister Finevoice).
Harvey: (Suuuuuuure ya are.)
Crow: Ohhhhh! *Man he’s annoyed.*
Liz: And what kind of crisis is Indestructible Elbow Man facing?
MakubeX: ...being forced to watch this program?
Liz: *makes an "Oh it’s on!" face and moves like she’s about to get up from her chair*
Harvey: *jogs over for a high-five*
Tom: Dr. F loses his favorite teddy bear!
Liz: Dr. F lost his teddy bear!
Crow: Oh, come ON!
Liz: *waits a moment for Harvey to come back* Alright, traitor - I mean, Indestructible Elbow Man, Dr. Clayton Forrester has lost his favorite teddy bear! What’re you gonna do?!
Harvey: *looks at his elbow, then at Liz* Well, since beatin’ him until he lets us down from here probably ain’t an option...let’s start lookin’ for that bear! I’m probably gonna need some help down here, I’ll call the others on my Elbow Phone! *holds elbow up to mouth, sighs for a second as the ridiculousness sinks in* Elbowvengers, assemble!
*at which point Liz falls over the desk laughing*
Harvey: *whispering, points at her* Good whiskey.
Minako: *hops in* I’m here! What’s up, Indestructible Elbow Man?
Harvey: I’m glad you’re here, Helium Girl! Dr. F’s lost his teddy bear, we’ve gotta find it before he destroys the Satellite in a frenzy of grief!
Minako: ….........................................*best impression of a chipmunk voice she can muster* Well, of course! I’ll do some reconnaissance over the area...*pretends she is starting to float* Have, uh, you got something to tie me down, this might be a problem if I get wind shear...
Harvey: Here, take this! *mimes wrapping a rope around his elbow and tossing the other end to her* DON’T YOU FLOAT AWAY FROM ME!
Minako: Thanks! I’ll try not to! *imitates bouncing on the end of the tether*
Kotetsu: *bounds in, does his best heroic pose* I saw the Elbowsignal and Helium Girl in the sky! What seems to be the problem?
Minako: Oh, hey! It’s...Paperclip...Counting Man! We’re looking for Dr. Forrester’s teddy bear, perhaps you can help us! *flooooooats*
Kotetsu: *slight sulk before hunching over and pretending to count invisible paperclips in his hand* ...94... 95... Huh? Oh! Did he look under the desk? I find lots of paperclips fall down there.
Minako: Really? I never knew that!
Kotetsu: Yep. It’s like how the dryer eats socks. ...only it’s a desk. ...and paperclips. But, oh look! Here comes Kanye West Interruption Boy!
Minako: ….Yes, I know, I can see him from heeeeeeere....*floooooating forever*
Sora: *finally pops up* HEY! Paperclip Guy, and Helium Girl, and Indestructible Elbow Man! I’m really happy for you, and I’ll let you finish, but finding Dr. Forrester’s teddy bear is the most important job of all time! OF. ALL. TIME.
Kotetsu: Hey, Clippy disagrees with you. *to himself* 97... 98...
Harvey: QUIT ARGUIN’! Do I have to whack you all upside the head with my elbow again?
Kotetsu: Hey, don’t you dare! You’ll make me lose count again!
Minako: *now at the very opposite end of the studio* Oh heeeeeey, I can see my house from up heeeere...
Sora: I’m happy for Clippy, and I’m gonna let him finish, but the Microsoft Office cat was the best letter-writing assistant of ALL TIME!
Harvey: *ignores him and cups a hand around his mouth to "shout" up to Minako* Do you see the bear yet?
Minako: …Heeeey guys! Did any of us check Kanye West Interruption Boy’s hair yet?? I lost a DVD in there once! *currently circling the stage in a lazy trot*
Liz: *nope, can’t breathe*
Sora: I’m happy for you, and I’m gonna let you finish, but...no! There are no teddy bears in there!
Harvey: *heavy sigh* There’s only one force in the world capable of searchin’ that do... *begins approaching Sora for an Elbow Noogie*
Sora: Okay I’m NOT happy, and you’re NOT gonna finish! *and he leans away*
Harvey: This elbow is the best elbow of all time, kid. *lunges* OF ALL TIME!
Sora: It is the WORST of all time! *he tries to swat him away*
Kotetsu: *starts "building" something with his hands* Hang on! I have 137 paperclips here. Just enough to make a lasso! *swings the paperclip lasso and flings it Sora’s way*
Sora: *stops, and blinks* You...lassoed my wrist.
Harvey: *takes his chance for an ELBOW NOOOOOOOOOGIE!!!*
Kotetsu: Feel any teddies?
Harvey: I think so... *reaches into Sora’s hair and pulls out...BEAR* ...uh. Ooookay then...
Sora: GAAAH! HEEEEY! *he tries to push away*
Minako: Yaaaaaaay!....Oh hey I can see the Elbowcave from here!
*bzzzt. bzzzt. bzzzt. bzzzt. The buzzing is actually from Liz banging her fist on the desk. The game’s over, give her a minute to regain some semblance of composure*
Liz: I...I have no idea what I just witnessed here you guys. *her face is bright red at this point*
Kotetsu: Neither do we.
Minako: Sora’s hair really is full of mystery and wonder, isn’t it?
Harvey: *still looking at Bear* I thought you had to do the punch for that to happen...
Sora: ...The "punch?!"
Harvey: Sure, I’ll show ya sometime. As long as you don’t pull anythin’ nasty outta there.
Liz: Whatever that was it’s worth a million points! Oh God, I need to breathe...we’re gonna take a break, we’ll be right back; stay tuned for more Whose SoL is it Anyway!
[To be continued...whenever we can all get together again]
The cambots start rolling, the lights come on, the music plays, and a voiceover from Iron Liz sounds off;
Good evening everybody and welcome to...
On tonight’s show...
Dim your lights where applicable...Kotetsu T. Kaburagi!
Keep circulating the tapes...Minako Aino!
Watch out for snakes...Sora!
And, leave the Bronx! Harvey Finevoice!
Harvey: *mouths to the camera* SEND HELP!
Liz: *comes out on stage with a big smile and still dressed in the Sailor V costume* And I’m your host, Iron Liz! Tune in and let’s have some fun! *Liz crosses to a desk off to the side of the set, where she sits down in a swiveling chair and takes up a small stack of cards. The music dies down and she begins;*
Hello Satellite residents and convention attendees, and welcome to Whose SoL is it Anyway? the show where everything’s made up and the points don’t matter. That’s right, the points are just like whatever became of Coily after Spring Fever. For the majority of you here who have no idea what this is about, Whose SoL is it Anyway? is inspired by a similar comedy show from the 90s, Whose Line is it Anyway? Yet another thing we stole from the British. The way it works is our four performers are going to perform a series of games right here on stage, and they’re going to come up with everything you see tonight right off the top of their heads, based on these cards *which she holds up* which they haven’t seen before, and based on suggestions from the network. At the end of each game I give them points, just because I can, and at the end of the show I pick a winner, the winner does something special with me, while the losers have to eat 90s Kid’s homemade Thanksgiving dinner.
Minako:
Liz: Yeah, just keep that in mind when your anniversary comes up.
Minako:
Liz: Let’s get things started with a game called Let’s Make a Date! This is for all four of you. *four stools are set up onstage, three of them have an envelope on them* Minako is the contestant of a dating game, and the other three are the bachelors that she’s trying to pick - just like any other day on the Satellite. However, we’ve also given them a strange quirk or identity that they have to act out, written on those cards that they’ve never seen before, and at the end of the game she has to try and guess who they are.
Minako: ...Do I have to do on a date with the winner afterwards? o.o
Liz: No. I’m pretty sure some of them are too old for you anyway.
Minako: ….*eyes Sora with a curious headtilt*
Sora: *feels pretty nervous...*
Kotetsu: *only looks mildly offended... he seems to approve of his card, tho’*
Harvey: *glances at his card, then leans over to read Kotetsu’s*
Liz: So just remember Mina that I can get a hose at any time...whenever you’re ready, take it away.
Minako: *clears throat, plops a hat on and then--perfect Doug Walker impression!?* Hello, I’m the Nostalgia Critic, I’m on this dating game so you don’t have...to...
Liz: *spittake*
Harvey: *raises an eyebrow*
Minako: ...anyways. I’m here looking for a date! Yes. I am that desperate. So let’s get started! *Phoenix Wright point* BACHELOR NUMBER ONE!
Kotetsu: [TORGO FROM MANOS: THE HANDS OF FATE] *hunched over* Yes...?
Minako: I’ve just been invited over to a Halloween party at Cinema Snob’s house. He’s expecting me and my date to be dressed up in a....shall we say...exciting costume. And because I am a Christmas person and not so much a Halloween person, I’m letting you dress me up! What would you dress me as~?
Kotetsu: I would... dress you in... a white gown... and tie you... to a... pole...
Minako: *blinkblink* ...wat
Kotetsu: Do you... not approve?
Minako: Um, well, not that I exactly look forward to Brad’s parties, or kinkiness, but...that would make it a tad difficult for me to actually....get to his parties...
Kotetsu: *has nothing to add to that, but will wobble awkwardly on his stool*
Minako: *awwwwwwwwwwwwkward pause awkward pause awkward pause awkward pause awkward pause awk-* O....K then! Moving on, BACHELOR NUMBER TWO!
Sora: [GETTING MORE AND MORE HYPER FROM TOO MUCH CAFFEINE] Yeah!
Minako: The evil, heartless, demonspawn of hell known as Mara Wilson has insulted my honor and you’re going to go out and kick her child actress caboose back to Sodor! What weapon would you choose to ensure that she never &#$@s up my videos ever again!? And was I just censored!?
Sora: Yoooou should pick...a SWORD! No wait, a bow and arrow! Oh...a bow and arrow that fires SWORDS!
Minako: …Ok, I will admit that last one is an unbelievably awesome weapon and it needs to exist now. Call me after the show, I’ll give you that she-witch’s address so you can get on that...*takes out a piece of paper and starts scribbling*
Sora: Okay! You should make...five of them! In case you need to fire FIVE swords!
Minako: Hnnnn...*strokes imaginary beard* yes...yesssss....but it needs something else...perhaps the bow and arrow should shoot swords that shoot acid...that shoots bullets! IT’S PERFECT!!
Sora: It’s REALLY perfect! Oh boy oh boy!
Minako: OOOOOH BOOOOOY! NYAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! *a lightning bolt shoots across the set, and instantly Minako stops laughing* Sorry I need to move on to the next guy. *OBJECTION!* BACHELOR NUMBER THREE!
Harvey: [STRESSED DRIVER STUCK IN TRAFFIC ON THE FREEWAY] *huffs and holds both hands up before him* Yeah?
Minako: I have just learned that another animated Titanic movie other than the one with the rapping dog existed. Now I have plunged into a suicidal, booze-fueled despair not seen since the...last time I learned another animated Titanic movie other than the one with the rapping dog existed. *dramatically soft, weak, high-pitched voice* How would you comfort me in my moment of crisis!?
Harvey: Well, gee, toots. I’d love to come help you out - *he turns to Kotetsu* - if only SOMEONE WOULD MOVE THEIR @&!%#! C’mon! *he slams the palm of his hand in the air a few times*
Kotetsu: *wobble wobble* Yes, Master...
Minako: ...woooooow, suddenly the pole stuff makes sense. Ok, from now on Bachelor Number One, *He-Man-esque voice with demonic toothy grin as she points* YOU SHALL CALL ME MASTER!!
Liz: *watching all this while chinfisting and clearly wishing she had some popcorn right now*
Kotetsu: Yes, Master... But this Master *points to Harvey* ...would not approve.
Minako: WELL. I do not approve of his disapproval! ARGUMENT INVALID!
Sora: Hey, I wanna be the masterrrr! Me memememe!
Harvey: SHADDUP! You want me to try to turn this thing around?
Minako: NO! YOU GO STAND IN THE CORNER UNTIL ITS YOUR TURN TO ANSWER QUESTIONS!
Sora: Is it my turn now?
Minako: NO!! BACHELOR NUMBER ONE!!
Kotetsu: Yes... Master... *thinks* ...Master number 2.
Sora: Is it my turn now?
Minako: *takes out gun and cocks it* Ask. ONE. MORE. TIME.
Sora: ...My turn now?
Minako: *SHOOTS- of course its a toy gun that shoots blanks with SFX but yeah* BACHELOR NUMBER ONE WE’RE GOING TO DINNER INSTEAD OF THE NEW EXPENDABLES MOVIE BECAUSE THOSE SUCK WHERE DO YOU TAKE ME!?!
Kotetsu: We should stay home... and order a pizza. The master doesn’t approve of... where I would pick.
Minako: *blink* ...actually, that begs the question: why are you not dating the Master? And if you’re that gung ho about obeying them, wouldn’t the Master not approve of you being here!?
Kotetsu: The Master is... with us always...
Minako: …............................yeah not even with a ten foot pole. BACHELOR NUMBER TWO!
Sora: Yes yes what? *he takes a swig of some soda*
Minako: ...I thought I shot you--whatever.
Sora: Oh, you did? Okay!
Minako: *deep exasperated breath* O...k. I’ve decided....for...whatever ungodly reason which might possess me...to let you co-star on my show for an episode as a Internet reviewer. What would your show nickname be and why?
Sora: Uhhh...AWESOME Kid Person Guy! *and he breaks out into giggles*
Minako: ...And that is why you’ll never be on my show. Ever. *throws hands up* BACHELOR NUMBER THREE LET’S GET THIS OVER WITH!
Harvey: *waves a hand at her in exasperation*
Minako: If I shot you in the face right now, how painful would your death be? Show me how your final agonizing throes would go!! DANCE FOR ME!! *shoots into the air*
Harvey: *just. stares at her for a second. and then raises his hand like a gun.* Hell. Anything’s gotta be better than sittin’ here another three hours. *fires the gun at his head and slumps over*
Minako: *turns the gun on the other two contestants and starts shooting* YES! YESSSSS! DIE, ALL OF YOU!! I’M GOING TO KILL YOU AND THEN, WHEN I AM DONE!! I WILL WATCH SECRET OF NIMH ON A VCR MADE OUT OF YOUR SKIwow what the ^!@$ am I doing.
Sora: Well...this is probably why you don’t have a boyfriend?
Minako: ….........................…*shoots at Sora’s head* Stay down @&#$hole.
*BZZZTBZZZTBZZTBZZTBZZZZZZZT Liz has been slamming on the buzzer for the past twenty seconds you guys staaaaahp*
Liz: ...well. That escalated quickly. Minako, do you have ANY idea who these people are?
Minako: Well, I do know one thing. Never channeling Nostalgia Critic again, that guy really is a jerk!
Sora: No kidding!
Harvey: Yeah, a lot of the past two years suddenly makes a whole lot more sense...
Minako: Um, well...number one....Vincent D’Onofrio?
Kotetsu: Nope!
Liz: Less bug suit, more big knees.
Minako: ….O-OH! OH! Torgo!?
Liz: Yes!
Minako: Yaaaay! ♥ Ok, uh....number two is....um...er...*she actually looks completely stumped* kid on a sugar rush?
Liz: Close enough! He’s ingested way too much caffeine.
Sora: I thought sword-bow-and-arrows made sense if you had too much caffeine!
Liz: *laughs* You should see what I come up with when I have more than two cups of coffee.
Minako: Eeehee! Ok....um...Harvey was....a really annoyed taxi driver!
Liz: He’s a driver stuck in...
Minako: OH! Traffic.
Liz: Yes! *and that’s the endgame buzzer*
Liz: And now we know why the Nostalgia Critic is single. Two hundred points apiece.
Minako: *snort*
Liz: Let’s move on to a game called Duet! This is for Harvey and Minako, with the help of Tom Servo!
Minako: *stands up*
Harvey: *does also*
Liz: *gets up from the desk, goes off camera for a second and comes back tugging Gypsy along behind her* Hi there, what’s your name? *holds a microphone up to Gypsy*
Gypsy: Ummm. Gypsy?
Liz: Gypsy, what do you do for a living?
Gypsy: I uh. Run the higher functions of the Satellite of Love?
Liz: Sounds important. Come on up here for a bit. *drags Gypsy over to the stage* Harvey, Mina, this is Gypsy, she runs the higher functions of the Satellite of Love, and we all owe her our lives, so I want you guys to sing a duet to her in the style of...a country western love ballad.
Minako: ….Oh, like Garth Brooks?
Liz: Yes exactly.
Harvey: Why don’t you just take me out back and shoot me?
Liz: I could just give ya the eyes again, how about that?
Sora: What’s so bad about a country western love ballad?
Harvey: *just shakes his head at Liz reproachfully*
Liz: *just smiles* Alright, whenever you’re ready, take it away Tom!
Tom: *begins to hum some musical backup*
Minako: *clears throat. Be warned...you all remember that accent she used for Earth vs. Soup? Yeah. That’s the accent she’s using here*
Well, she’s got a purple head
Without her we’d all be dead
She’s got a looong vacuum tube and she’s a...girl!
She’s been up here so long
And no one’s ever sung her a song
Even though she keeps us uuuuup above the Earth...
Harvey: *...no. He’s not doing that accent with her. He’ll do a generic country accent, but never that*
Workin' all these days and nights
Just to keep us all alive
Don't you think that she deseeeerves to have a break?
But the Servos are insane
Crow may not even have a brain
Yes, Gypsy's the only dame fit for the job
Minako: That’s why everybody here loves Gypsy!
All the girls and boys on the SoL
owe her much, you see!
Harvey: It's because she's always on the ball
When some dumb plan goes awryyyyyy
That the Satellite ain't fallin' from the sky
*bzzzzzzzt! That’s the ending buzzer, Gypsy can go and they can sit down now*
Gypsy: Okaaaay. *And...she goes.*
Liz: Thank you very much Gypsy! That was great. A thousand points to Harvey because it hurt me more than it hurt you.
Minako: *headtilt*
Harvey: You wanna bet?
Liz: Sorry, all I got is points, man.
Harvey: Yeah, well, I’ll tell you what I got... *produces a flask and pours something into his glass*
Liz: Tell you what, after the show, you can chip in your points for whiskey.
Liz: Now let’s move onto a game called Infomercial! This is for Sora and Kotetsu; they’ve been given a box of props at center stage there, behind the podium, and what they’re going to do is use all those props that they’ve never seen before to advertise a miracle product that will cure Twilight addiction! A difficult task, I know, but if anybody can do it it’s you guys.
Kotetsu: ...you’ve got a bit too much faith in us, methinks.
Sora: There’s people addicted to it?
Liz: Alright, so whenever you’re ready, Sora and Kotetsu, take it away.
Kotetsu: *stands, rubbing his hands together* Ever finding yourself using excessive verbage? Find yourself hoping the love of your life will break into your room and watch you sleep every night? Finding sparkles sexy? You MIGHT have a problem.
Sora: But don’t worry, because THIS product is the solution!
Kotetsu: That’s right! Twilight addiction has become a serious problem and THIS box is THE cure! What’s inside, you ask?
Sora: Well, there’s...*Sora digs around in the box, and pulls out the teddy bear first.* For starters, you’ve got this handy werewolf-cuddle-patch! Hug this easy-to-clean teddy bear every night, and you’ll stop wanting to cuddle werewolves!
Kotetsu: Brilliant, right? That was totally my idea. As was this! *reaches in and pulls out a random item, which turns out to be... a butterfly net* This...! Because... Remember! Friends don’t let friends suffer from Twilight addiction. With this handy-dandy net, you’ll be sure they won’t flee when you try to cure them, too! Like so! *Sorry, Sora, you’re the stand-in Twihard* Can you move?
Sora: *Well...that was unexpected.* Nnnnno. I’m not getting that far. *But he still removes the butterfly net himself*
Kotetsu: See? Brilliance! What else we got in there?
Sora: Ummm... *Sora reaches inside, and pulls out a Pyramid Head helmet. What the heck is this supposed to be, anyway? It needs to be cleaned.* We’ve also got this helpful...snow...plow...helmet! Clearing the really high snow around your house with this hat helps remind you of how much coldness is really not that fun to cuddle, either!
Liz: *meanwhile trying not to choke on her mountain dew from laughing*
Kotetsu: *reaches in randomly again and triumphantly holds up a brick* And, of course, this! If all else fails, just smack some sense into yourself. *offers it to Sora* Wanna demonstrate?
Sora: *glances down at the brick, then back at Kotetsu...and carefully fwaps him with the brick.* Like that!
Kotetsu: *rubs where he was fwapped* Huh? Edward who? *jazz hands!* See! Works like a charm! ...what were we talking about again?
Sora: We were talking aboooout... *he looks back in the box, and pulls out the giant foam flower* ...This part! You offer this giant foam flower to your friend, or yourself, as a means of calming the mind after you’ve gotten over your Twilight addiction.
Kotetsu: Oh, right! Then there’s... this? *Kotetsu holds up a tetrahedron... and stares at it blankly* Uh... *he chucks it over his shoulder* Sorry, that’s from the Justin Bieber addiction relief kit.
Sora: Yeah. Uhh...*he digs around in the box again, and pulls out the rubber starfish* What you *really* need is this...starfish! It’s...the perfect pet for feeding and walking, so...you don’t think about Twilight at all? *he’s kinda failed at that part*
Kotetsu: And last but not least... *pulls out grilling tongs* this. These. Whatever. To...
Sora: ...Extract the Twilight addiction from you directly if all else fails!
Kotetsu: Right! Just apply like so... *he pinches his nose with ‘em*
*bzzzzzztbzztbzztbzzt that’s enough boys, have a seat*
Liz: Tell you what...five thousand points to Kotetsu’s concussion.
Kotetsu: *victory sign!*
Liz: Now let’s move on to a game called Superheroes, this is for all four of you. Harvey is an unlikely superhero and there’s some sort of crisis in the world that he needs to call on his superfriends for help with, and as they come in one at a time, they’re going to name each other. So what I need from all of you watching on Cambot is the name of an unlikely superhero for Harvey to be.
Pinkie: REALLY REALLY GREAT MUFFIN MAN!
Crow: TURKEY VOLUME GUESSING MAN!
Liz: I said UNlikely superhero, Crow. UNlikely.
Tom: INDESTRUCTIBLE ELBOW MAN!
Luna: CAPTAIN BIG DIPPER!
Liz: Indestructible Elbow Man! That’s a good one. (Sorry mister Finevoice).
Harvey: (Suuuuuuure ya are.)
Crow: Ohhhhh! *Man he’s annoyed.*
Liz: And what kind of crisis is Indestructible Elbow Man facing?
MakubeX: ...being forced to watch this program?
Liz: *makes an "Oh it’s on!" face and moves like she’s about to get up from her chair*
Harvey: *jogs over for a high-five*
Tom: Dr. F loses his favorite teddy bear!
Liz: Dr. F lost his teddy bear!
Crow: Oh, come ON!
Liz: *waits a moment for Harvey to come back* Alright, traitor - I mean, Indestructible Elbow Man, Dr. Clayton Forrester has lost his favorite teddy bear! What’re you gonna do?!
Harvey: *looks at his elbow, then at Liz* Well, since beatin’ him until he lets us down from here probably ain’t an option...let’s start lookin’ for that bear! I’m probably gonna need some help down here, I’ll call the others on my Elbow Phone! *holds elbow up to mouth, sighs for a second as the ridiculousness sinks in* Elbowvengers, assemble!
*at which point Liz falls over the desk laughing*
Harvey: *whispering, points at her* Good whiskey.
Minako: *hops in* I’m here! What’s up, Indestructible Elbow Man?
Harvey: I’m glad you’re here, Helium Girl! Dr. F’s lost his teddy bear, we’ve gotta find it before he destroys the Satellite in a frenzy of grief!
Minako: ….........................................*best impression of a chipmunk voice she can muster* Well, of course! I’ll do some reconnaissance over the area...*pretends she is starting to float* Have, uh, you got something to tie me down, this might be a problem if I get wind shear...
Harvey: Here, take this! *mimes wrapping a rope around his elbow and tossing the other end to her* DON’T YOU FLOAT AWAY FROM ME!
Minako: Thanks! I’ll try not to! *imitates bouncing on the end of the tether*
Kotetsu: *bounds in, does his best heroic pose* I saw the Elbowsignal and Helium Girl in the sky! What seems to be the problem?
Minako: Oh, hey! It’s...Paperclip...Counting Man! We’re looking for Dr. Forrester’s teddy bear, perhaps you can help us! *flooooooats*
Kotetsu: *slight sulk before hunching over and pretending to count invisible paperclips in his hand* ...94... 95... Huh? Oh! Did he look under the desk? I find lots of paperclips fall down there.
Minako: Really? I never knew that!
Kotetsu: Yep. It’s like how the dryer eats socks. ...only it’s a desk. ...and paperclips. But, oh look! Here comes Kanye West Interruption Boy!
Minako: ….Yes, I know, I can see him from heeeeeeere....*floooooating forever*
Sora: *finally pops up* HEY! Paperclip Guy, and Helium Girl, and Indestructible Elbow Man! I’m really happy for you, and I’ll let you finish, but finding Dr. Forrester’s teddy bear is the most important job of all time! OF. ALL. TIME.
Kotetsu: Hey, Clippy disagrees with you. *to himself* 97... 98...
Harvey: QUIT ARGUIN’! Do I have to whack you all upside the head with my elbow again?
Kotetsu: Hey, don’t you dare! You’ll make me lose count again!
Minako: *now at the very opposite end of the studio* Oh heeeeeey, I can see my house from up heeeere...
Sora: I’m happy for Clippy, and I’m gonna let him finish, but the Microsoft Office cat was the best letter-writing assistant of ALL TIME!
Harvey: *ignores him and cups a hand around his mouth to "shout" up to Minako* Do you see the bear yet?
Minako: …Heeeey guys! Did any of us check Kanye West Interruption Boy’s hair yet?? I lost a DVD in there once! *currently circling the stage in a lazy trot*
Liz: *nope, can’t breathe*
Sora: I’m happy for you, and I’m gonna let you finish, but...no! There are no teddy bears in there!
Harvey: *heavy sigh* There’s only one force in the world capable of searchin’ that do... *begins approaching Sora for an Elbow Noogie*
Sora: Okay I’m NOT happy, and you’re NOT gonna finish! *and he leans away*
Harvey: This elbow is the best elbow of all time, kid. *lunges* OF ALL TIME!
Sora: It is the WORST of all time! *he tries to swat him away*
Kotetsu: *starts "building" something with his hands* Hang on! I have 137 paperclips here. Just enough to make a lasso! *swings the paperclip lasso and flings it Sora’s way*
Sora: *stops, and blinks* You...lassoed my wrist.
Harvey: *takes his chance for an ELBOW NOOOOOOOOOGIE!!!*
Kotetsu: Feel any teddies?
Harvey: I think so... *reaches into Sora’s hair and pulls out...BEAR* ...uh. Ooookay then...
Sora: GAAAH! HEEEEY! *he tries to push away*
Minako: Yaaaaaaay!....Oh hey I can see the Elbowcave from here!
*bzzzt. bzzzt. bzzzt. bzzzt. The buzzing is actually from Liz banging her fist on the desk. The game’s over, give her a minute to regain some semblance of composure*
Liz: I...I have no idea what I just witnessed here you guys. *her face is bright red at this point*
Kotetsu: Neither do we.
Minako: Sora’s hair really is full of mystery and wonder, isn’t it?
Harvey: *still looking at Bear* I thought you had to do the punch for that to happen...
Sora: ...The "punch?!"
Harvey: Sure, I’ll show ya sometime. As long as you don’t pull anythin’ nasty outta there.
Liz: Whatever that was it’s worth a million points! Oh God, I need to breathe...we’re gonna take a break, we’ll be right back; stay tuned for more Whose SoL is it Anyway!
[To be continued...whenever we can all get together again]