([identity profile] wrote in [community profile] itsjustagamerp2011-11-25 11:08 pm

Experiment #6 - Chain Letters - Series 1

Internet Chain Letters
Series 1

[After the characters enter the room, the screen inexplicably goes through the old AOL start up screen, ending with a cheery “YOU’VE GOT MAIL!”]

Tom Servo: *wanders into the theater* Hey, you guys mind if I join you? ‘Course you don’t!
Link: Uh, what? Who are you?
Phineas: Hi Tom!
Link: ...Tom?
Tom: Tom Servo, at your service, kiddies!

When I first read a message like this one I thought it was BS,

Phineas: A Bachelor of Science?

after giving it a try I can assure you it is not. The number below
will lead you to an easy fortune.

Tom: Just dial 1-900-U-SUCKER!

Here is how it works: The call cost $1.50 (US).

Link: Seems a bit counter intuitive.

When you call, a
prerecorded message will give you all the information about how it
works. Here are the basics: You call and enter my account number
(listed below).

Phineas: Actually those are words, not a number.

The message will give you your own account number and
your own secret pin number.

Tom: Well, I told my girlfriend about it.
Link:... You have a girlfriend?
Tom: Sure I do! Hundreds of girlfriends!
Link: I’ll take that as a no.

When you call, the call costs $1.50.
Everytime you get someone to call, you get $0.50 put into your
account, then $0.25 goes into my account, and $0.25 goes into the
account of the person who gave me the number. When that person gets
someone else to call they make $0.50, you make $0.25, and I make
$0.25. To put it simply:

Tom: Give me your money over the phone, you gullible idiot!

You give the number to 100 people and you make $100
Each of them tell 100 people and you make $5,000

Phineas: *as the writer* Which I’m going to use to finally take that math class!

Each of those people tell another 100 people and you make $250,000!
Thats right two-hundred and fifty thousand dollars!


Now you are probably saying "What does the company providing the
number have to gain?" Well, they get the $0.50 cents that is left
over from every call.

Tom: And your soul!

So go for it and give it a try. What do you have to lose, $1.50?
You'll make it back in a minute by giving people your account number!

Here is the number, it costs $1.50 (US):

Phineas: Huh, numbers have prices now? That’s pretty ironic!
Tom: American prices, so it’s okay!
Link: But all I have is Rupees!


When you call you will be asked for my account number which is:

3 6 6 0 1 3

So get a pen and paper, give them a call, and be on your way to your

Link: Or you could just save time and smash some pots.
Tom: Or grow it!
Phineas: Hmm, a money plant.... Nah!


Two things you should know upfront:

Link: *as the writer* One: This is a scam. Two: This is a scam.

1. You CAN NOT make 50,000 in a month or even six months by following the
instructions found in this letter, or similar ones found on the net.

Link: Then why bother?

2. You CAN make up to 1,200 or even more in just a few months. With this
money you can do anything you want, pay bills, buy a new computer, anything
at all.

Tom: Go to the circus, give to the needy, set it on fire and pour the ashes on your gerbil! I can’t make all the decisions for you, you know.

These are the facts.

Tom: Death, and taxes.

I have tried this twice before, following instructions in
letters downloaded from internet newsgroups. You've seen them, I'm sure. The
first thing they promise is a quick way to earn $50,000 or more, with no work
and only $5 invested. You have probably considered trying it yourself, then
told yourself that it wasn't worth the effort, and it couldn't possibly be
true. Fact is, it isn't true. BUT IT IS WORTH TRYING!

Phineas: That’s the spirit! ...Wait...

Think for a
moment...your total expense for the program is $6.60 (five dollar bills and
five postage stamps).

Tom: Or, 20 sticks of gum and three bars of granola!
Link: Or a bundle of arrows.
Phineas: Or a gallon of gas!

Even if you don't get a single response, you are out
less than $10 and maybe an hour or two of your time. BUT YOU WILL GET A


As I have mentioned, I have tried this twice before, and have made
some money. Take a look at these figures:

Tom: *whistles* Yes, sir!

Post the letter to five different(but interesting) newsgroups.

Phineas: Does it make a difference if they’re boring?
Tom: Or if they were the SAME interesting newsgroup?

your judgement to decide which ones might be the most responsive. For
example, a group with only five items posted is probably not often
visited. Assume that the newsgroups you posted the item to will be visited
50 times a day, or 1,500 times a month (this is a low estimate). This
means that 7,500 people might read your message. Of course, 80% of those might
dismiss your message as worthless.

Tom: That’s right, 80% of the world’s population finds you annoying and pointless to listen to!
Link: That’s because they’re the smart ones.

But that leaves 1,500 people who
might try it. They will send out letters just like ours, but as many as
75% of those will be creeps who will use your letter and not send you any
remaining 25% return, or $375 sent directly to you! Then, each time the letter
is re-used, for four additional levels, you also get $1.00 per use. If
they get the same response as you, it adds up to $1,500 more, for a total
return on your investment of $1,875!

Phineas: Oh, that makes cents!

I have tried this twice -- the first time I made about $1,200, and the second
earned me just over $2,000.!

That is why I am trying this again. It worked for me, and you should give a
try as well. Just remember, BE HONEST!

Tom: Or Mother Teresa will hate you!

So, how does this work? Simple. You have probably seen this before.

Phineas: Just take one unstable uranium isotope, a feather, and a potato and put them in a Tupperware container. Next...

What it is, is a perfectly legal(see Title 18,h sections 1302 NS 1341 of Postal
Lottery Laws) program of collecting names and addresses for a mailing list.

Tom: Oh yeah, hit lists are totally legal.

Basically, you will start your own small company that collects and stores
mailing lists. NOTE: You can sell these mailing lists to other companies and
make even mote money, but I have not done that with mine. My goal is to make
some money, not deluge those who send me the money with piles of junk mail.

STEP ONE - Print this letter. Save it in case you want to try it again later.

Tom: Laminate it and mount it on your wall, next to the Lord’s Prayer!

STEP TWO - Send a snail-mail letter to each of the following people, reading
simply "Please add me to your mailing list",

Tom: “If you ever want to see your family again...”

and containing your full name and
mailing address, and $1.00 in cash:

1. Chuck Mays
2725 50th St. #213
Bradenton, FL 34206

2. Matthew Stanislawski
5919 N West Circle Ave.
Chicago, IL 60631

3. S.J. Yeggi
4115 Ventura Canyon Ave.
Sherman Oaks, CA 91423

4. Patrick Powell
2235 Stratford Ave. #2
Cincinnati, OH 45219-1201

5. Matthew Rivard
8020 N. Hickory #1312
Kansas City, MO 64118

STEP THREE - Edit this letter to read the way you want it to.

Phineas: So put it into a text-to-speech system?
Tom: Oh I was thinking spice it up a bit with a chase scene or some necking!
Phineas: Or maybe some spaceships and explosions!

Include some
information about yourself. DO NOT LIE!

Tom: Or your nose will grow!
Link: Not that we would know if you lied or not.

I have stated in this letter that I
have tried this twice, but if you cannot say this honestly, don't say it.

Tom: Spray it!

you get to the top of the list of names above, remove the top name(#1) and move
the others up. Then add your name to the list in the #5 position. In this
way, you can earn money from the investments of others after you, as you are
helping those that came before.

Tom: Definitely NOT a Ponzi Scheme!

STEP FOUR - Post your letter to as many newsgroups or local BBS numbers as you
wish. You can even send copies of it snail mail but this is not as
considerate. When you post it on a newsgroup, the people who want to read it
can, but they are not forced to receive it as junk mail.

Tom: Isn’t all junk mail sort of forced on you?

Also when you post
it, give it a title that will draw people to it. I have used the title "YOU

Phineas: Only using capital letters makes it more believable.
Tom: Oh yeah, and writing it in Comic Sans makes it the most professional of all.

STEP FIVE - When the money starts coming in (and it may take two or three
weeks, don't panic and dont give up),

Phineas: This letter brought to you by The Hitchiker’s Guide to the Galaxy.

save all the letters you receive in a box
or closet somewhere.

Tom: Live a life of secrets and shame!

have proof that your business is legal and legitimate, in case you are ever

Tom: By the IRS.

STEP SIX - use the money you have received as you wish. You have earned it.
Then try it again. Just don't forget to send the money to the people on the
list! They are just like you and nobody makes any money if this letter
regenerates without any money changing hands.

Link: STEP SEVEN - ??????

That is all. Thank you for taking the time to read this. I hope you decide
to give it a try, and I hope it gives you the same results I have seen in the

Tom: Oh, he’s a time-traveler!

Thank You.


Did you know who in 1923 was:

1. President of the largest steel company?
2. President of the largest gas company?

Tom: Lincoln! No, wait...

3. President of the New York Stock Exchange?
4. Greatest wheat speculator?

Phineas: The person that was best at thinking about grains?

5. President of the Bank of International Settlement?
6. Great Bear of Wall Street?

Link: A... bear?
Phineas: Was it Smokey? Because then it would make sense.
Tom: *hums the Jeopardy theme*

These men should have been considered some of the world's most
successful men. At least they found the secret of making money. Now
more than 55 years later, do you know what has become of these men?

1. The President of the largest steel company, Charles Schwab, died
a pauper.

Tom: After switching places with a prince.

2. The President of the largest gas company, Edward Hopson, is

Phineas: The largest gas company is called Edward Hopson?

3. The President of the N.Y.S.E., Richard Whitney, was released
from prison to die at home.
4. The greatest wheat speculator, Arthur Cooger, died abroad,
5. The President of the Bank of International Settlement shot

Tom: In the foot!

6. The Great Bear of Wall Street, Cosabee Rivermore, died of

Link: So... suicide is a disease now?

The same year, 1923, the winner of the most important golf
championship, Gene Sarazan, won the U.S. Open and PGA Tournaments.
Today he is still playing golf and is solvent.

Phineas: Neat, he can make things dissolve!


Link: Somehow... I think it’s a bit more complicated than that.
Tom: Who needs business! Hitting balls across leveled wetlands is where you really live life!

This letter originated in The Netherlands, has been passed around
the world at least 20 times, bringing good luck to everyone who
passed it on. The one who breaks the chain will have bad luck.

Tom: They will place their elbows on stray legos everywhere they go!

Do not keep this letter. Do not send money.

Tom: Do not apologize for the war!

Just have your
wonderful, efficient cpu make five additional copies and send it to
five of your friends to whom you wish good luck. You will see that
something good happens to you four days from now if the chain is not
broken. This is not a joke. You will receive good luck in four

Phineas: This offer not valid in Alaska, Florida, or Utah.


I don't know how true this is, but it is a classic example of Corporate
greed.( I heard this story a few years back, too, only it was a guy who had
gotten taken for $300.)

Phineas: It’s always nice to get information that corroborates the story.
Tom: I think I’ll take the $300 story, Alex.

Here you go if you like to bake, read this it is a true story!!
Subject: Cookie recipe

Here is a story forwarded to me about corporate greed.


My daughter & I had just finished a salad at
Neiman-Marcus Cafe in Dallas & decided to have a small
dessert. Because both of us are such cookie lovers,
we decided to try the "Neiman-Marcus Cookie."
department store in the States}. It was so excellent
that I asked if they would give me the recipe and the
waitress said with a small frown, "I'm afraid not."

Tom: *as the waitress* Now get lost, proles.

Well, I said, would you let me buy the recipe? With a
cute smile, she said, "Yes." I asked how much, and
she responded, "Only two fifty, it's a great deal!" I
said with approval, just add it to my tab.

Tom: But that part didn’t need quotation marks, I think it speaks for itself.

Thirty days later, I received my VISA statement from
Neiman-Marcus and it was $285.00. I looked again and
I remembered I had only spent $9.95 for two salads and
about $20.00 for a scarf. As I glanced at the bottom
of the statement, it said, "Cookie Recipe - $250.00"
That's outrageous!!

Phineas: $20 for a scarf, who are they kidding?
Link: It was made of spun gold.

I called Neiman's Accounting Dept. and told them the
waitress said it was "two-fifty," which clearly does
not mean "two hundred and fifty dollars" by any
*POSSIBLE* interpretation of the phrase.

Phineas: Except for that one where it might...
Tom: Two-fifty-hundred dollars! Makes sense.

Neiman-Marcus refused to budge. They would not refund
my money, because according to them, "What the
waitress told you is not our problem. You have
already seen the recipe - we absolutely will not
refund your money at this point."

Link: Even though we tricked you into buying it.

I explained to her
the criminal statues which govern fraud in Texas, I
threatened to refer them to the Better Business Bureau
and the State's Attorney General for engaging in

Phineas: Oh, this person teaches Law, too!

I was basically told, "Do what you want, we
don't give a crap, and we're not refunding your

Tom: Then they twirled their swirly mustache while cackling eeeevily!

I waited, thinking of how I could get even, or even
try and get any of my money back. I just said, "Okay,
you folks got my $250, and now I'm going to have
$250.00 worth of fun." I told her that I was going to
see to it that every cookie lover in the United States
with an e-mail account has a $250.00 cookie recipe
from Neiman-Marcus...for free.

Link: Call me crazy, but I’m sure there has to be a way to get her money back...
Tom: Oh, I’d go for the fun!

She replied, "I wish
you wouldn't do this." I said, "Well, you should have
thought of that before you ripped me off," and slammed
down the phone on her.

Tom: Tou-CHE!
Phineas: Ouch...

So here it is!!! Please, please, please pass it on to
everyone you can possible think of. I paid $250 for
this...I don't want Neiman-Marcus to *ever* get
another penny off of this recipe....

(Recipe may be halved)

Tom: Or doubled, if you just really like eating cookies, you big cookie-lover!
Link: But quartering it is right out.

2 cups butter
4 cups flour
2 tsp. soda

Link: Can I use orange soda?

2 cups sugar
** 5 cups blended oatmeal
24 oz. chocolate chips
2 cups brown sugar
1 tsp. salt
1 8 oz. Hershey Bar (grated)

Phineas: Nestle won’t work at all.

4 eggs
2 tsp. baking powder
2 tsp. vanilla
3 cups chopped nuts (your choice)

All: *singing* And a partridge in a pear tree!

** Measure oatmeal and blend in a blender to a fine
Cream the butter and both sugars. Add eggs and
vanilla; mix together with flour, oatmeal, salt,
baking powder, and soda.

Tom: Oh, Dr Pepper alright?

Add chocolate chips,
Hershey Bar and nuts. Roll into balls and place two
inches apart on a cookie sheet. Bake for 10 minutes
at 375 degrees. Makes 112 cookies.

Tom: Geez, looks like Neiman Marcus is doin’ all right for itself when it comes to cookies!

Have fun!!! This is not a joke --- this is a true
story. Ride free citizens!


Phineas: And speaking of freedom...
Link: We’re free!
Phineas: At least we got a cookie recipe!
Tom: Ooooh I’ll go make us a batch of Tollhouse Chocolate Chip Cookies...

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