Experiment #5 - 'Truly, Madly, Viking' - Chapter 1

[itsjustthemads.livejournal.com]

Truly, Madly, Viking - Chapter 1
By Sandra Hill


“Look, Jorund, look! There she blows...again. Hmmm. Mayhap that is the fair Thora’s way of blowing kisses at you. Dost think--”

“Magnus,” Jorund Ericsson warned his brother with a disgusted shake of his head. “I have heard more than enough of your nonsense today. I suggest you take a seat at one of the oarlocks and row off some of your excess vigor.”

Kaldur: He can always talk while he rows, I do not see how this fixes the problem.
Pinkie: *singing* Row, row, row your boat!

He was standing at the rail of his longship, Fierce Warrior, honing the blade of his favorite sword, Bloodletter.

Kaldur: Fierce Warrior and Bloodletter...they do not have a very unique naming system do they?
Sissel: I think he just might be compensating for something, here.
Pinkie: Yeah, I would too if my name was as weird as JORUND.

Magnus was standing next to him, honing his tongue. Unless Magnus had a plow in his hands, or a mead horn in his mouth, or a wench in his bed, he tended to think it was his mission in life to bedevil his brother.

Kaldur: If he can do that all at once I will be impressed.

It was no exaggeration to say that Magnus had an opinion on every bloody topic in the world.

Kaldur: The non-bloody ones, after all, were not as interesting to talk about.

“Now, now, do not be overmodest, little brother,” Magnus advised, puffing his chest out, which was a sure sign he was about to expound at length...on some triviality. His long, blond hair was pulled off his face with a leather thong

Kaldur: *singing* She had dumps like a truck, truck, truck
Thighs like what? What? What?
All night long
Let me see that tho-o-ong baby, that thong thong thong thong thong
Pinkie: I like it when the beat go
Dut dun, dut dun!
When you make your booty go - wait, what are we singing about?
Kaldur: *head in hands* Thongs.
Sissel: Obviously... what is a thong?
Kaldur: A piece of clothing typically worn as underwear although I do not believe that is the case here.
Pinkie: Oh! Well, THAT’S silly! Why would you want to see THAT?
Kaldur: I do not know the answer to that Pinkie.

tied at the nape, which drew attention to his uncommonly large ears. For years, Magnus had claimed that his large ears were a sign of other...well, attributes that were equally pronounced, but Jorund could hardly credit that.

Sissel: Hey Kaldur, what attributes is he talking about?
Kaldur: *awkward silence* It is perhaps best I do not say.

And what did he call me? Little? In truth, he and Magnus were of the same immense height, though Magnus was bullish in stature, being a farmsteader by trade, while Jorund carried the leaner-muscled body of a fighting man.

Pinkie: Olaf reeeeeeeeally liked his piggy-back rides!

So little hardly applied. For the love of Odin! What importance is there in whether my brother deems me big or little? My mind must be melting in this unseasonably hot sun.

Pinkie: I’M MEEEEEEEEEELTING!!!!
Kaldur: If the sun makes them melt then perhaps the profession of viking was not the wisest.

And that is another thing...who would think the sun could be so hot in Iceland? Perchance we have strayed farther than--

“One and all can see that the fair Thora has developed a passion for you,” Magnus blathered on. “And not just the blowing of kisses. You must admit she has been following you about for a sennight and more. Wagging her tail at you like a Hedeby whore. Besotted she is, for a certainty.”

He sliced a glare at his brother.

Pinkie: I prefer using diced glare, myself. Spreads out the flavor!
Sissel: I prefer a puree.
Kaldur: Really? I had no idea you could chop a glare in so many ways.

“What makes you think she is blowing kisses?” He knew that it was a mistake to react to any of Magnus’s jibes. Still, he blundered on, “mayhaps she is just blowing air.”

Kaldur: *looks between Pinkie and Sissel and mutters* At this rate, perhaps I should just count the number of times it would be easy to make an inappropriate innuendo.
Pinkie: *blinks innocently at him*
Sissel: *blinks innocently at him*
Kaldur: *sinks in chair* Or perhaps not.

“Like breaking wind? Now there’s a thought.” Magnus grinned. “Mother always told us when we were growing up that females do not break wind, leastways not in public...just old men and bad boys. Ha! I suspect Mother was laughing behind our backs at that mistruth. Either that, or I warrant she was never in close quarters with Fat Helga, the goatherder, after a night of eating gammelost. He tapped his chin with exaggerated pensiveness.

Kaldur: Fart jokes, how appropriate.

Jorund groaned. When will I ever learn? I can predict what he is going to say now.

“Do females make a habit of trying to attract you with farts?”

Sissel: Okay, have we gone on about farts for long enough yet?

I was correct. “What a ridiculous notion!” Jorund snarled, then realized that Magnus was chuckling under his breath. “Aaarrgh!” he said.

Kaldur: I thought this was a story about vikings, not pirates.

Carrying on a conversation with Magnus was like talking with one of his dumb cows.

Kaldur: Except the cows didn’t talk back. They were very efficient listeners though.

His coarseness knew no limits, his earthiness coming, no doubt, from his dealing so much with, well...earth.

Pinkie: FIRE!
Sissel: WIND!
Kaldur: WATER!
Pinkie: ...wait, where’s Heart? *starts looking under the seats*

Not that Jorund was unaccustomed to coarseness, being surrounded as he was by soldiers whose every other word was apt to be an expletive of the foulest nature. He’d uttered a few himself.

But really, his brother had fallen into the most annoying habit of late--teasing him. Holy Thor! Who ever heard of grown men engaging in such youthful games? Life was too serious--and fleeting, as he well knew--and their mission was too important for frivolity.

Sissel: Never underestimate the importance of boozing and pillaging to the Viking economy.
Kaldur: That was their only economy. They were not exactly known for the plentiful harvests.

It was probably boredom, or frustration at being lost at sea. Well, not quite lost, just a mite off course.

Kaldur: Magnus forgot to install the GPS again.
Pinkie: And of course he REFUSES to pull over for directions!
Sissel: I TOLD you we should have taken that left turn at Seydhisfjordhur!

Ignoring his brother’s smirking face, he looked off into the distance, where the magnificent killer whale the sailors had named Thora was indeed performing her ritual dance. It was to her that Magnus has attributed blowing kisses, of all things.

Sissel: That’s not her mouth, Magnus...
Kaldur: Well we’ve just about covered all the other bodily organs at this point.

Just now, her sleek black-and-white shape leaped into the air with a spectacular flourish, a maneuver that had come to be known among seafarers as breaching.

Pinkie: Everyone else just called it “the Free Willy”.

The whale, at the height of her impressive leap, gave the false appearance of standing on her tail fins on the surface of the water for several long moments. Then she twisted her sleek body into a perfect arc with an agility remarkable for her size and dove back into the salty depths to swim swiftly beneath the waves she created.

Sissel: ...And the Russian judge gives her a 6.
Kaldur: That’s going to hurt her chances for the finals.
Pinkie: Yep! And final rhymes with vinyl!
Kaldur: *double takes* What does that have to do with diving Pinkie Pie?
Pinkie: I dunno! I just like records!

If she followed her previous routine, she would be repeating her performance another two or three times, ofttimes varying the act with backflips, all accompanied by boisterous squeals and chirps and rapid clicking noises, before swimming off a short distance to watch and follow their sailing vessel.

Kaldur: *singing* They call him Flipper, Flipper, faster than lightning,
No one you see, is smarter than he,
And we know Flipper, lives in a world full of wonder,
Flying there under, under the sea!

There was no escaping the killer whale.

Kaldur: Every time they unfriended him from Facebook he would simply create a new username and friend them again.
Sissel: This summer, it’s a whale of a tale... of terror.
Pinkie: She’ll follow you... FOREVERRRRRRR!

They had tried to elude their unwelcome companion by rowing fast with a strong wind at their backs, and still she kept up.

Sissel: *as the whale* Do a trick, get a fish, how hard is this to understand, you stupid apes?

Surely the killer whale must be the fastest animal in all the oceans.

They knew it was a female because of her comparatively small size to the male of the species, though this friendly beast was still nigh as big as his dragonship.

Sissel: And also by the pink bow on her head and the long eyelashes.

Well, perhaps that was an overstatement. At least, she had to be four times his body height from mouth to tail.

There was no question in Jorund’s mind--though he would never acknowledge it to his brother--that it was himself the animal had developed an affection for. The whale had been shadowing them for more than fourteen days, coming closer and closer.

But that wasn’t how Jorund knew that the whale was following him. He knew because the whale was talking to him. Amazing as that sounded, even if only to his own ears, Jorund had taken to communicating with a killer whale. He talked to the whale in his head. And the whale talked back to him.

Pinkie: Wow. Maybe his mind really IS melting!
Kaldur: Well, not necessarily, some people can speak whale.
Pinkie: *thinks for a second* LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIKE THIIIIIIIiiiiiiiIIIIIIISSSSSSSS?
Kaldur: You speak whale?

Languages of other countries had always come easily to him. Not just Norse and English, the language of the Saxons, which were very similar. He was also fluent in the tongues of Frankland, Byzantium, Baghdad, Rome and Cordoba. But never had he been known to speak with animals. No one did, that he knew of, except perhaps the gods.

Pinkie: And Doctor Doolittle!
Kaldur: And Aquaman!

And he was no god.

Where did this voice in his head come from?

When it was late at night and his men were asleep, he would stand at the prow of his longship and converse with a killer whale, of all things. Good thing Magnus was unaware of this insanity, or he would really have something to tease him about.

Sissel: What’s so weird about talking to an animal?
Pinkie: I dunno. I talk to my pet alligator all the time, and I’m TOTALLY normal!
Kaldur: *looks between the CAT and the PONY* I believe it is not weird at all.

Was he going mad? Were the events of the past year too much for his brain to bear? Or was it the cumulative effect of years and years of bloodshed finally crushing down on him? Stronger men than he had gone berserk.

How can this be? he had asked Thora yestereve. It was an indication of his sorry state that he sought advice on his mental condition from an animal.

Click, click. Squeal, squeal. Click, squeal, click, squeal.

Kaldur: I’m not sure that was necessary...
Sissel: ACK ACK. EEK. EEK. TOOKIE TOOKIE.

the whale had answered him in ever-changing patterns. In other words, Men question too much. Listen with your heart; speak with your heart, my friend.

Pinkie: *gasp* THERE’S Heart! He took it!
Kaldur: It was not a very good power anyway.

I ask for help, and you give me riddles, he’d wailed silently.

Kaldur: wailed, hm? I see what you did there author.
Sissel: *groan*

I don’t understand. He need not speak aloud for the whale to hear him--another amazing happenstance.

Sissel: If you need to ask a whale whether or not you’re crazy... you probably don’t need to ask.

With her usual clicks and squeals and chirps, Thora had told him, you will; you will. Then, just before the whale had sum off, she’d added, Open your heart, man. Only then will there be no barriers of country or animal...or time.

Sissel: Uhhh... what kind of romance novel did you say this was, again?
Kaldur: I’m afraid to read the summary on the back to find out.
Pinkie: One thing’s for sure, it’s a whale of a tale!

Time? What has time to do with this?

“Jorund, has your mind gone wandering again? Are you all right?”

Jorund blinked and reined in his thoughts. His brother’s big paw of a hand was resting on his shoulder with concern.

Am I all right?

Nay, I am not all right.

“I’m fine,” he said.

Kaldur: And now he is conversing with himself. This should be of more concern than talking to a whale.
Pinkie: You mean you don’t do that?
Kaldur: Talk to a whale or myself?
Pinkie: Whichever you want, silly!

But he was not fine, he soon found out.

Bam! Bam! Bam!

Sissel: DRIVE-BY!

”Bld hel!” he and Magnus exclaimed at the same time, then repeated, “Bloody hell!” A number of his sailors, who followed both the Christian and Norse religions, were making the sign of the cross across their broad chests. All of them stared gape-mouthed at the sea.

Sissel: “Hurry, boys! Here come the flies!”

Bam! Bam! Bam!

Kaldur: If not vikings or pirates why are they suddenly Flintstones?
Pinkie: Oooooooh, someone broke the time streeeeeeam...

Thora was using her long tail fins to whack the far side of the longship.

Bam! Bam! Bam!

She must be playing with them--some kind of strange killer whale game--

Pinkie: Oooh, oooh, Pin the Tail on the Dragonship! I LOVE this one!
Kaldur: I thought it was Name that Tune-a.
Sissel: Sharks and Minnows?
Kaldur: Go Fish?

for it was clear she was not employing full force; otherwise the vessel would have tipped over. Even so, the impact of the powerful tail hitting the wood sides was enough to set the boat rocking side to side. A little harder and the wood might splinter.

Jorund tried to listen in the way the whale had taught them. There was a loud, grinding noise in response, almost like a rusty door closing, and he thought he heard her say, It is time, Viking.

“Time? What time?” Jorund asked.

Sissel: Time to refill your medication!
Kaldur: Tool Time?
Pinkie: PARTY TIME!!!

“Huh?” Magnus tilted his head in question.

Jorund realized that he must have spoken aloud and felt his face heat with embarrassment. Magnus would make great mock of him if he even suspected his brother was communicating with an animal.

Kaldur: Mockery? No. Questioning looks? Yes. Being committed? Perhaps.

The whale swam off a short distance and floated atop the water, just watching him with her big, beady eyes. And the groaning noise continued.

“Jorund? Are you all right?” Magnus repeated with concern.

He nodded.

Sissel: But are you fine?

“Something odd is happening here,” Magnus contended. “You have not been yourself since learning of Igna’s and the girls’ deaths.”

Sissel: Ouch. I just got hit by six tons of backstory somebody dropped clumsily.
Kaldur: So the author can go into long descriptions of body humor and make several jokes in that vein but cannot take the time to flesh out the back story of her main character?

“I do not want to speak of that,” he said icily. “Best we pull anchor and get rid of this bothersome whale. If we cannot move quickly enough to lose her, then we must kill the beast.”

He thought he heard a squealy voice in the distance say, Ha! I would like to see you try.

Closer at hand, Magnus was not about to drop the subject. “Some people think a man must talk of his heart-pain, lest it eat away at his innards...turn him mad with grief.”

Kaldur: I hear Bayer is made for that as well.
Sissel: *as Magnus* Come on, Jory... I’ll brew some tea and we can watch Love Actually later?
Kaldur: *as Jorund* Can we have ice cream from the carton and paint our nails too?
Sissel: *as Magnus* You got it, bro!

“Are you implying that I have gone berserk?”

Magnus pursed his lips and tugged at one of his big ears pensively. “Mayhaps. Leastways, a little barmy.”

Sissel: *as Magnus* Definitely not all right. Maybe not even fine.

Jorund grunted with disgust.

“Oh, I know you harbored no great affection for Igna, but your daughters...well, ‘tis clear they held a special place in your soul.”

“Have a caution, Magnus. You go too far,” he warned.

Kaldur: *as Jorund* It is too early in the story to go into the details of that. We need more jokes about body parts and functions first.

But as always, his brother failed to heed sound advice and blathered on. “I know that I would surely tear out my hair in mourning if I lost my son...or daughter.”

“And which son--or daughter--would that be?” Jorund asked with a hint of humor. It was hard to stay angry with his well-meaning brother.

Sissel: And nothing cheers him up like talking about his dead kids.

“Any one of my sons...or daughters,” Magnus answered, lifting his chin defensively. He brother followed the custom of more danico and had two wives, in addition to three current mistresses...or was it four? All told, his seed had produced eight sons and five daughters...all with big ears.

Kaldur: What do large ears mean on the girls then?
Sissel: What do large ears mean about what?
Pinkie: Maybe it means they have really SUPER good hearing!
Kaldur: Yes...let us go with that one.

Jorund made a tsking sound at his brother, whom he loved dearly, despite his nagging ways.

“I will work out my own problems in my own time and way,” he told Magnus. “For now we must make haste and try to outrun this killer whale.” They had anchored offshore in a small cove the night before so they could draw fresh water from a stream on a nearby island. There were no inhabitants that they could see.

Pinkie: They were all in the woods chasing Gilligan!

Still, they had slept aboard ship as a precaution.

Turning away, he gave orders to his crew to pull up the anchor and man their sea chests. His longship, built by his brother Rolf, was not an over-large vessel. There were thirty-two oar holes on each side, manned by as many men who sat on their own personal sea chests rather than benches. Next to them were thirty-two seamen, who would relieve them when their arms grew weary.

Sissel: I feel like a joke needs to go here, but... for the life of me, I can’t think of one.
Kaldur: *coughs, rather aware of what joke needs to go here*

“It won’t come up,” a seaman soon informed him. The anchor must have caught in some seaweed when the whale bumped us.”

In the meantime, the whale was back to prodding the ship with its tail fins and snout. Enough of this nonsense!

Jorund said a foul word and began to remove his clothing--mantle, tunic, skin boots, braies--knowing he was going to have to dive below and try to loosen the tangled anchor. He could have sworn he heard a high-pitched peal of laughter, but when he glanced about the longship, he saw naught but his sailors staring back at him with worry.

Kaldur: Good, it would not bode well if the Joker was on board.
Pinkie: Why so serious, Kaldur? Clowns are FUN!
Kaldur: Not this clown, certainly.

“Becalm yourselves, men,” he told them. “We will soon be on our way. I am an excellent swimmer and have great fame for holding my breath underwater. Leather-lunged, my father used to say of me.” He was not boasting, merely stating a fact to put them at ease.

Sissel: *as a sailor* Sir... why are you taking your clothes off?

Once he was naked, except for his sheathed sword, which was attached to a wide belt at his waist and secured to his thigh with a leather thong,

Pinkie: Let me see that tho-o-oooooong!
Kaldur: *facepalm*

he dove into the water. It was surprisingly warm near the surface. Though the sea became colder the deeper he went, it should have been frigid near Iceland. He would have to ponder that puzzle that later. Even so, ‘tis icy enough to shrivel even the grandest cock into a nub, he thought with a shiver.

Kaldur: I am not even sure what number I’m on any more.
Sissel: Kaldur, what are they talking about here?
Pinkie: I know, I know! They’re talking about chickens, and he doesn’t want them to get cold and shiver all their little feathers off! *nodnod*
Kaldur: Let’s go with that one, Sissel.
Sissel: Oh, okay. They should write this more clearly. The subtlety is really losing me at places.

And what makes you think yours is so grand? he heard the whale remark with a laugh.

Oh, God! You again? Jorund commented dryly to himself as he sawed at the sword at the seaweed wrapped around the rope and anchor.

Kaldur: I believe that should be with the sword. If he is using it to saw then he cannot possibly be sawing the sword with the sword, that makes no sense.

He soon discovered there was no way he could disentangle the metal anchor from the grassy tentacles. The more he tossed aside, the more seemed to appear in their place. He would have to cut the rope.

Stealthily, the whale had swum underwater and was watching his endeavors with interest.

For some reason he felt no fear...just disgust that this animal was causing him so much trouble.

Pinkie: Trouble in the ocean? Just call upon the sea ponies!
Kaldur: You mean sea horses? How would they help?
Pinkie: By SINGING, of course!

Putting his sword back in the scabbard, he swam to the surface and took several deep gulps of air.

Mangus and all the seamen were staring over the side rail. Seabirds were whirling overhead in anticipation of some tasty morsel. He hoped it was not him.

Pinkie: You’re too big to be a morsel, silly! They probably want your chicken.
Kaldur: *coughs*

“Is it free?” Magnus asked.

Jorund shook his head, still breathless. When he was able to speak, he informed his brother, “It’s that special seal rope that Rolf insists on using. It will take me a little longer.”

Pinkie: SHOO BE DOO, SHOO-SHOO BE DOO!

Many ship owners bought the prized seal rope in the markets of Birka and Hedeby. Known for its sturdiness, it was cut in one single strip, like a spiral, from the hide of a seal or walrus. Unfortunately, it was difficult to slice through with a sword.

With one deep inhalation of air, Jorund dove under the briny depths again. As expected, the whale was waiting for him. This time, as he sawed away with haste, the whale began a new game--butting Jorund’s bare arse with its big nose. That’s all he needed...a randy she-whale!

Sissel: I’m uncomfortable.
Kaldur: Maybe it is not what we think and the whale is really a transformed human. Like that fairy tale the Frog Prince.
Pinkie: I’m preeeeeeetty sure that’s not how you’re supposed to kiss them, though!

Finally the rope broke free. He sheathed his sword and was about to swim back to the surface when the whale shot forward and took him in her mouth, his head sticking out of one side of her mouth and his flailing legs out the other side. He could feel the whale’s massive teeth pressing against his stomach and buttocks, but Thora must be holding him with extra gentleness, for the teeth did not pierce his skin.

“Unteeth me, you lackbrain whale.”

Sissel: *mimicking drowning* UGGHRBLBELRUBHGURGBLELBUGBLE!

The only response was a chirping laugh.

He should have been mortally afraid. He was not.

At first he laughed silently at the great trick. The skalds would be telling this saga forevermore. No doubt there would even be a praise-poem honoring Jorund, the warrior who rode in the cradle of a killer whale’s mouth and lived to tell the tale. Soon his mirth disappeared, however, when he realized he could not hold his breath much longer and that the whale was swimming at great speed...away from the longship.

Sissel: Jorund the Crazy: Molested to Death by a Whale.

One, when the whale came to surface briefly, Jorund noted with distress the longship was already far away...much too far for him to swim back. Unless the whale returned him.

But no. Thora had other plans.

Kaldur: This was not, after all, the best laid plans of mice and men.

With a squeal and a chirping noise of glee, the whale submerged again, and all of Jorund’s silent screams and flailing limbs could not dissuade her.

Kaldur: Considering your perilous situation perhaps it would be wise NOT to flail and puncture yourself on her teeth.
Pinkie: You miiiiiiight not want to scream underwater, either.

Soon water rushed into his nostrils and all the orifices of his body.

Sissel: What other orifi-- no, no. Sorry. I changed my mind.
Pinkie: What’s an “orifice”?
Sissel: *with a knowing sigh* I know this one. It’s a building where people sit at desks.
Kaldur: No that’s an of---*realizes what he’s about to correct to a PONY AND A CAT* nevermind, you’re right.

He could no longer hold his breath and took in great swallows of seawater. As his long hair came loose from its queue and swirled about his face, blinding him, a light-headedness overtook him, which was not altogether unpleasant.

Sissel: Oh yeaaaah... Drowning is AWESOME...

And he thought, So I will break the raven’s fast thus--by sea, rather than by battlefield? So this is how it ends?

Not quite, the whale answered. The Fates have other plans for you, Viking.

Kaldur: Thankfully for us, it does end.
Sissel: Is that it?
Pinkie: YAAAAAAAAAAY! Come on, you guys! I’ve got a GREAT idea for what we can do now!
Kaldur: . . . It does not involve whales does it?