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itsjustagamerp2012-01-11 09:13 pm
itsjustthemads) wrote in itsjustagamerp2012-01-11 09:13 pm
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Experiment #10 - The Eye of Argon - Chapter 1
The Eye of Argon - Chapter One
By Jim Theis
Liz: The Eye of Argon, now a fun game for all your nerdy convention-going friends!
Terra: Wait, I thought it was the Eye of Sauron and Aragon was one of the guys trying to stop him.
MakubeX: Eye of the Noble Gas.
The weather beaten trail wound ahead into the dust racked climes of the baren land which dominates large portions of the Norgolian empire.
Terra: Someone really loves their adjectives.
Liz: Our author really DID get hooked on phonics. So hooked that spelling got kicked to the curb.
MakubeX: So it didn’t really work for him. ...or us.
Age worn hoof prints smothered by the sifting sands of time shone dully against the dust splattered crust of earth. The tireless sun cast its parching rays of incandescense from overhead, half way through its daily revolution. Small rodents scampered about, occupying themselves in the daily accomplishments of their dismal lives.
Terra: *sings* From the day we arrive on the planet And, blinking, step into the sun
Liz: *sings* There’s more to see, then can ever be seen, more to do than can ever be done~
MakubeX: *sings* There’s far too much to take in here *stops singing* ...so let’s stop and carry on, shall we?
Liz: Hang on, we’ve gotta at least reach the best part...
Terra: Yeah, you can’t sing Circle of Life without getting to the Circle of Life.
MakubeX: ...true. *stands and conducts*
Terra: *sings, picking up where MakubeX left off* More to find than can ever be found. But the sun rolling high, through the sapphire sky
Liz: Keeps great and small on the endless round~*throws her arms up in the air for the big finish*
Everyone: IT’S THE CIR~CLE OF LIIIIIIFE! AND IT MOVES US ALL!
Dust sprayed over three heaving mounts in blinding clouds, while they bore the burdonsome cargoes of their struggling overseers.
Liz: Whether ‘tis nobler in the mind to suffer the burdonsome cargoes of struggling overseers....yeah that doesn’t really work.
MakubeX: I’m not sure what’s going on here, but I’m 75% sure it’s filthy.
Terra: Well there is a lot of dust.
"Prepare to embrace your creators in the stygian haunts of hell, barbarian", gasped the first soldier.
Terra: Wait! Is this a random encounter? Where did this guy suddenly appear in all this dusty scenery?
Liz: Aw, crap, and I’m out of mana!
"Only after you have kissed the fleeting stead of death, wretch!" returned Grignr.
MakubeX: Grignr? That’s not a name, it’s a keyboard smash.
Liz: Or a Pokemon.
A sweeping blade of flashing steel riveted from the massive barbarians hide enameled shield
Liz: This is such a RIVETING battle!
as his rippling right arm thrust forth, sending a steel shod blade to the hilt into the soldiers vital organs. The disemboweled mercenary crumpled from his saddle and sank to the clouded sward, sprinkling the parched dust with crimson droplets of escaping life fluid.
Terra: Grignr defeated Wild Soldier, obtained 25 EXP.
The enthused barbarian swilveled about, his shock of fiery red hair tossing robustly in the humid air currents as he faced the attack of the defeated soldier's fellow in arms.
MakubeX: Is anyone else suddenly imagining a red-haired Fabio here?
Liz: I’m too busy trying to shake the image of Korgoth of Barbaria out of my head.
Terra: I’m sorry, I got lost in all the other adjectives being thrown around. They do know that not every word requires and adjective description right?
MakubeX: I strongly think that this is sadly something they unfortunately do not.
Liz: *looks at MakubeX* Oh no, they’ve infected you already.
MakubeX: It’s such a tragically tragic tragedy.
Liz: *bows her head sadly* We will mourn the loss of your sanity, my friend.
"Damn you, barbarian" Shrieked the soldier as he observed his comrade in death.
MakubeX: Shrieked with such enthusiasm...
Liz: They never really liked that guy, they just wanted their obligatory “Curse you, enemy guy!” interjection.
Terra: I’m surprised he wasn’t shaking his fist.
A gleaming scimitar smote a heavy blow against the renegade's spiked helmet, bringing a heavy cloud over the Ecordian's misting brain.
Terra: Their brain turned into a vapor?
Shaking off the effects of the pounding blow to his head, Grignr brought down his scarlet streaked edge against the soldier's crudely forged hauberk, clanging harmlessly to the left side of his opponent.
MakubeX: …okay. “He struck his bloody sword against his opponent’s flank.” See? Shorter, but you still get to keep your adjectives and pretty words.
Liz: I think this guy was paid by the word--oh wait, no, I don’t think he was paid at all.
The soldier's stead whinnied as he directed the horse back from the driving blade of the barbarian. Grignr leashed his mount forward
Liz: Can you leash anything “forward?”
as the hoarsely piercing battle cry of his wilderness bred race resounded from his grinding lungs.
Terra: So did anyone else read that as the horse giving the battle cry? I have to admit that’s pretty intimidating.
Liz: Well of course, nobody can measure the UNBRIDLED terror a warhorse can invoke in a guy.
MakubeX: *groans*
Terra: That was terrible, Liz.
Liz: *grins* I know.
A twirling blade bounced harmlessly from the mighty thief's buckler as his rolling right arm cleft upward, sending a foot of blinding steel ripping through the Simarian's exposed gullet. A gasping gurgle from the soldier's writhing mouth as he tumbled to the golden sand at his feet, and wormed agonizingly in his death bed.
MakubeX: Or... you know. On the ground.
Terra: I do have to admire the gasping gurgle line though, the alliteration is nice.
Liz: Psh, I’ve heard better. I live with Linkara.
Grignr's emerald green orbs
Terra: Eyes, works just fine you know.
glared lustfully at the wallowing soldier
Liz: *as the soldier, strangled voice* I wish I knew how to quit you!
MakubeX: Ah! I knew this was headed someplace sleazy.
Terra: This isn’t one of those romance novels is it?
Liz: You boys have just taken the first step into manhood; discovering Rule 34.
MakubeX: *SIGH...*
Terra: *clueless* Rule 34?
Liz: *Godlike voice* If it exists, so shall the internet create pornography of it.
Terra: That’s a rule?
Liz: Ohhh yeah. Word to the wise; if you ever discover the internet, never look at anything called “The Treehouse.” Just trust me on this.
MakubeX: In fact, don’t look at anything on the internet. Ever.
struggling before his chestnut swirled mount.
Terra: And now he’s riding a dessert? These adjectives are out of control.
His scowling voice reverberated over the dying form in a tone of mocking mirth. "You city bred dogs should learn not to antagonize your better."
Liz: *as barbarian* And you should learn to scoop your poop when you’re done!
Reining his weary mount ahead, grignr resumed his journey to the Noregolian city of Gorzam, hoping to discover wine, women, and adventure to boil the wild blood coarsing through his savage veins.
Liz: Well, enough of that gory battle, I guess! Time for ale and wenches!
MakubeX: ...this is going to be porn after all, isn’t it?
Liz: With the Conan the Barbarian ripoff here? Most likely.
The trek to Gorzom was forced upon Grignr when the soldiers of Crin were leashed upon him
Liz: UNleashed. I’m pretty sure you mean UNleashed.
MakubeX: Unless they’re tethered to him somehow. A really, really, really, really long chain, perhaps?
Liz: So we’re in the realm of bondage porn now. Great.
MakubeX: Barbarian bondage porn. Joy...
Terra: Is it too late to ask to riff something else?
by a faithless concubine he had wooed.
Liz: How DARE she sleep around with other men even though she’s not married or obligated to stick with him!
His scandalous activities throughout the Simarian city
Terra: Sim City is in this? But the author hasn’t mentioned glowing green emeralds that float above the citizens’ heads.
MakubeX: Or short green-haired doctors.
had unleashed throngs of havoc and uproar among it's refined patricians, leading them to tack a heavy reward over his head.
MakubeX: Unfortunately, he was too short to reach it, even on his tippy toes.
Liz: Conan the Midget!
He had barely managed to escape through the back entrance of the inn he had been guzzling in,
Terra: I’m afraid to ask what he was guzzling if the author didn’t take the time to describe it with a ton of adjectives.
Liz: Tap water. Lukewarm tap water.
as a squad of soldiers tounced upon him.
Terra: Did you mean pounce or trounced?
Makubex: Both? At the same time?
After spilling a spout of blood from the leader of the mercenaries as he dismembered one of the officer's arms, he retreated to his mount
MakubeX: I really wish they would stop using the word “mount”...
to make his way towards Gorzom, rumoured to contain hoards of plunder, and many young wenches for any man who has the backbone to wrest them away.
Terra: I wish he would stop referring to all females as wenches.
Liz: Our hero, ladies and gentlemen! A drunken, greedy, murderous psychopath who is lead by his dick.
Makubex: I’m suspicious of his relationship with his horse as well...
Terra: Can we read about Aragorn instead?
Makubex: I’d even settle for Eragon.
-2-
Liz: *as the Count* Two! Two chapters of bad spelling and boring characters! Ah ah ah ah!
*A thunderclap echoes through the theatre*
MakubeX: How did you do that?
Liz: Rule of Funny.
Terra: Is this another one of those rules, like rule 34? Why doesn’t it have a number?
Liz: Because the internet just wants to confuse you, Terra. *pats his shoulder*
MakubeX: First rule of the internet: do not question the internet. ...or is it do not talk about /b/...?
Terra: If that’s the case why are there 33 more rules?
MakubeX: Oh, there’s plenty more. Just be glad we haven’t seen Rule 63. ...yet.
Terra: *opens mouth to ask about Rule 63*
Liz: *covers his mouth* Oh look, there’s more book to mock!
Arriving after dusk in Gorzom,grignr descended down a dismal alley, reining his horse before a beaten tavern. The redhaired giant strode into the dimly lit hostelry reeking of foul odors, and cheap wine.
Liz: *as Grignr, effeminate lispy voice* They could at least get some curtains in this place, my gawd.
The air was heavy with chocking fumes spewing from smolderingtorches encased within theden's earthen packed walls.
MakubeX: The space bar is rebelling!
Terra: About time, it was probably sick of all those adjectives.
Tables were clustered with groups of drunken thieves, and cutthroats,
Liz: Crap, is this gonna be like high school where you have to watch which clique you sit with?
tossing dice, or making love to willing prostitutes.
Terra: That’s unsanitary! People eat on those tables...I think.
Eyeing a slender female crouched alone at a nearby bench, Grignr advanced wishing to wholesomely
Terra: *crossing his arms* I am fairly certain there is nothing “wholesome” about what he has planned.
occupy his time. The flickering torches cast weird shafts of luminescence dancing over the half naked harlot of his choice, her stringy orchid twines of hair swaying gracefully over the lithe opaque nose,
Liz: As opposed to her fat translucent nose...?
as she raised a half drained mug to her pale red lips.
MakubeX: ...but the shafts are just “weird”. Not strange, unusual, inscrutable, oddball, uncanny, curious...
Terra: STOP READING THE THESAURUS!
Makubex: ...just saying.
Terra: There are enough adjectives in this story, thanks.
Glancing upward, the alluring complexion noted the stalwart giant as he rapidly approached.
Terra: She’s not even a person any more, she’s a “complexion.”
Liz: *rubbing her temple*At this rate, are you really surprised?
Terra: *sigh* Not really.
MakubeX: *stands, mock-bullfights; in a female voice* Toro! Toro!
A faint glimmer sparked from the pair of deep blue ovals
Liz: Woah, we’ve moved a step up! They’re ovals instead of orbs!
Terra: They still aren’t EYES though.
Liz: Pity though, I was so hoping for a chance to use a blue balls joke.
of the amorous female as she motioned toward Grignr, enticing him to join her. The barbarian seated himself upon a stool at the wenches side, exposing his body, naked save for a loin cloth brandishing a long steel broad sword,
Terra: Wow, that’s a pretty impressive loin cloth if it can wield a sword for him.
MakubeX: Or, rather, that’s what he calls... Little Grignr.
Terra: *coughs*
Liz: *just snickers* You beat me to it.
MakubeX: ...moving on...
an iron spiraled battle helmet, and a thick leather sandals, to her unobstructed view.
"Thou hast need to occupy your time, barbarian",questioned the female?
"Only if something worth offering is within my reach." Stated Grignr,as his hands crept to embrace the tempting female, who
MakubeX: ...who gave him a quick kick to the broad sword and ran. I hope.
welcomed them with open willingness.
Liz: Nope, sorry Mak. This is a world where women are nothing but squishy sex objects, remember?
Terra: Wenches, I believe is the term being used. Or just complexion.
"From where do you come barbarian,
Liz: *opens her mouth to quip*
Terra: *covers her mouth with his hand* Please just, let it go Liz.
Liz: *sulks*
MakubeX: THANK you.
and by what are you called?" Gasped the complying wench, as Grignr smothered her lips with the blazing touch of his flaming mouth.
MakubeX: Wouldn’t it me more like “frm wr d y cm brbrn” or... you know... “Ow”?
Terra: Maybe he should get that checked.
The engrossed titan ignored the queries of the inquisitive female,
Terra: *gasped, he is shocked* HE DIDN’T SAY WENCH!
Liz: *cues the Price is Right theme*
MakubeX: You really need to teach me how to do that.
pulling her towards him and crushing her sagging nipples
All: EW!
Liz: Roughing the listener, five word penalty!
Terra: Of all the times to fail with your adjective use, that was not it.
to his yearning chest. Without struggle she gave in, winding her soft arms around the harshly bronzedhide of Grignr
Liz: Have you heard of my new band, Bronzedhide of Grignr?
corded shoulder blades, as his calloused hands caressed her firm protruding busts.
MakubeX: This doesn’t seem anatomically correct...
Terra: He’s groping her statues?
Liz: Clearly he prefers his women stoned.
Terra: *groans at the pun* Again?
MakubeX: Well, with his chiseled features...
Liz: Aw, damn, I wish I’d thought of that one. Well played, sir.
Terra: Not you too!
MakubeX: It’s contagious.
"You make love well wench," Admitted Grignr as he reached for the vessel of potent wine his charge had been quaffing.
MakubeX: Somehow I get the feeling he doesn’t really do this often.
Liz: Or at all. That was sex? Did we skip a page?
Terra: If we did can we just not look for it?
MakubeX: I’ll second that.
Liz: *shrug*
A flying foot caught the mug Grignr had taken hold of, sending its blood red contents sloshing over a flickering crescent; leashing tongues of bright orange flame to the foot trodden floor.
Liz: ...I....I must’ve blinked. What happened?
MakubeX: A disembodied foot flew through the air, grabbed Grignr’s mug, dumped his wine, and set the place on fire. Somehow.
Terra: Apparently the wine jumped over the moon. Unless something else is a crescent.
Liz: That’s what I thought.
"Remove yourself Sirrah, the wench belongs to me;" Blabbered a drunken soldier,
Liz: *sings* What shall we do with a drunken soldier,
MakubeX: *sings* What shall we do with a drunken soldier,
Terra: *sings* What shall we do with a drunken soldier.
All: *sings* Ear-ly in the morning?
too far consumed by the influences of his virile brew to take note of the superior size of his adversary.
Liz: *as Grignr in the girly voice again* You were staring? You pervert.
MakubeX: ...*just... facepalms*
Terra: Why does it keep coming back to that? Why?
Grignr lithly bounded from the startled female, his face lit up to an ashen red ferocity, and eyes
Terra: So it’s finally his eyes now?
Liz: He knew we were keeping an eye out for it.
MakubeX: Should have seen that coming...
Terra: I, for one, was blind sided. *realizes he just punned* Darn it Liz!
Liz: *grins wickedly* You are learning, young padawan.
MakubeX: Resistance is futile.
locked in a searing feral blaze toward the swaying soldier.
"To hell with you, braggard!" Bellowed the angered Ecordian, as he hefted his finely honed broad sword.
MakubeX: *gives Liz a preemptive glare*
Terra: *glances at Liz with an unsure look*
Liz: *grins innocently*
The staggering soldier clumsily reached towards the pommel of his dangling sword,
MakubeX: I give up. Can we just replace every instance of “sword” with “penis” and be done with it?
Terra: *face in hands* Must we? It’s har---difficult enough without imagining that every couple of lines.
Liz: Bit too late to pull out now, Terra.
Terra: You’re punning this too? Really?
Liz: We’ve both lived on this Satellite how long?
Terra: I guess I just keep hoping one day you’ll stop.
Liz: *grins* Linkara once thought the same.
MakubeX: Maybe we’ll reach the cli-... ending soon and we can forget about all this.
but before his hands ever touched the oaken hilt a silvered flash was slicing the heavy air. The thews of the savages lashing right arm bulged from the glistening bronzed hide as his blade bit deeply into the soldiers neck, loping off the confused head of his senseless tormentor.
Liz: No wonder he’s confused. Since when do swords bite?
MakubeX: And now the apostrophes have rebelled as well.
Liz: Next thing you know the commas will kill us all in our sleep.
With a nauseating thud the severed oval toppled to the floor, as the segregated torso of Grignr's bovine antagonist swayed, then collapsed in a pool of swirled crimson.
Liz: Wait, so he was really a cow? Where’s PETA when you need ‘em?
Terra: I’m wondering what the crimson is swirled WITH exactly?
MakubeX: I don’t want to know.
Terra: Actually, you’re right, it’s probably best not to know.
In the confusion the soldier's fellows confronted Grignr with unsheathed cutlasses, directed toward the latters scowling make-up.
MakubeX: That’s some horrifying make-up...
Liz: Clearly Grignr raided the Ultimate Warrior’s vanity before the story started.
"The slut should have picked his quarry more carefully!" Roared the victor in a mocking baritone growl,
Liz: Is it possible to have, say, a mocking mezzo-soprano growl?
Terra: Probably, but it wouldn’t be as intimidating.
as he wiped his dripping blade on the prostrate form, and returned it to its scabbard.
Terra: *hiding face in hands* The imagery just doesn’t stop.
MakubeX: *pats Terra’s shoulder*
"The fool should have shown more prudence, however you shall rue your actions while rotting in the pits."
Liz: *as the albino from Princess Bride* The Pit of Despaaaair~
Stated one of the sprawled soldier's comrades.
Grignr's hand began to remove his blade from its leather housing,
Liz: WHOA boy, careful with that thing! Nobody wants to see that!
but retarded the motion in face of the blades waving before his face.
"Dismiss your hand from the hilt, barbarbian, or you shall find a foot of steel sheathed in your gizzard."
Terra: *as the soldier* Remove thy hand from thy pants!
Liz: Hey, there ya go!
MakubeX: *golf clap*
Terra: *sighs, hiding face again* I couldn’t hold it in any longer, it was just too much.
Liz: *pats his shoulder*
Grignr weighed his position observing his plight, where-upon he took the soldier's advice as the only logical choice. To attempt to hack his way from his present predicament could only warrant certain death. He was of no mind to bring upon his own demise if an alternate path presented itself.
Liz: Given what we’ve seen, I’m amazed he was of any mind at all.
The will to necessitate his life forced him to yield to the superior force in hopes of a moment of carlessness
Terra: But where would we be without Carl?
Liz: No, not Carl! He was my favorite character I’ve never heard of until now!
later upon the part of his captors in which he could effect a more plausible means of escape.
"You may steady your arms, I will go without a struggle."
Liz: *as Grignr* But I will scream like a little girl the whole time.
"Your decision is a wise one, yet perhaps you would have been better off had you forced death," the soldier's mouth wrinkled to a sadistic grin of knowing mirth as he prodded his prisoner on with his sword point.
MakubeX: ...yes, let’s just let this one slide.
Terra: Works for me.
After an indiscriminate period of marching through slinking alleyways
Liz: Transitions? What’re those?!
MakubeX: Things with not enough adjectives.
and dim moonlighted streets the procession confronted a massive seraglio. The palace area was surrounded by an iron grating, with a lush garden upon all sides.
The group was admitted through the gilded gateway and Grignr was ledalong a stone pathway bordered by plush vegitation lustfully enhanced by the moon's shimmering rays.
Liz: Jeez, even the moon and the plants have a thing going on!
Upon reaching the palace the group was granted entrance, and after several minutes of explanation,
Liz: Oh no please, I wanted to hear whatever they’re talking about! Surely it’s much more interesting than the ginger giant’s penis!
MakubeX: I doubt it. It was probably just a bunch of prodding. ...for information!
Liz: *grins* Too late to backpedal, Mak.
Makubex: *~_~;*
led through several winding corridors to a richly draped chamber.
Terra: *in best attempt at Rarity voice* Which had several chaise lounges.
Confronting the group was a short stocky man seated upona golden throne. Tapestries of richly draped regal blue silk covered all walls of the chamber, while the steps leading to the throne were plated with sparkling white ivory. The man upon the throne had a naked wench seated at each of his arms, and a trusted advisor seated in back of him
Terra: oogling the naked wenches.
Liz: Suddenly we’re in Caligula! It all makes sense now!
At each cornwr of the chamber a guard stood at attention, with upraised pikes supported in their hands, golden chainmail adorning their torso's and barred helmets emitting scarlet plumes enshrouding their heads. The man rose from his throne to the dias surrounding it. His plush turquois robe dangled loosely from his chuncky frame.
MakubeX: Ah, now the spell check has completely rebelled as well. There won’t be much left at this rate.
Terra: It’s probably for the best. Spell check probably got tired of telling the author it’s “Ginger” not “Grignr”
Liz: BECAUSE POOR LITERACY IS KEWL!
The soldiers surrounding Grignr fell to their knees with heads bowed to the stone masonry of the floor in fearful dignity to their sovereign, leige.
Terra: I have not seen a single thing in this story that has made me think “dignity.” Especially since their ruler has two naked women sitting up there with him.
"Explain the purpose of this intrusion upon my chateau!"
Liz: *as the king* You could have at least knocked, geez. It’s not like I’m royalty or anything.
"Your sirenity,
Makubex: *sings* Burn the land and boil the sea...
Liz: *sings* You can’t take the sky from me~*hums the violin bridge*
Terra: *sings* There's no place I can be since I found Serenity.
All: *sings* But you can’t take the sky from me~!
resplendent in noble grandeur, we have brought this yokel before you (the soldier gestured toward Grignr) for the redress or your all knowing wisdon in judgement regarding his fate."
"Down on your knees, lout, and pay proper homage to your sovereign!" commanded the pudgy noble of Grignr.
"By the surly beard of Mrifk,
Liz: Gesundheit!
Grignr kneels to no man!" scowled the massive barbarian.
Liz: Okay, show of hands, who wants to call this guy “Big McLargehuge” from now on?
Makubex: *raises hand* It’s better than Grignr.
Terra: *raises hand* Now it won’t be associated with me any more.
Liz: Of course not. Nowadays we associate you with bare legs of doom.
Terra: HEY! It’s only happened...*pauses as he figures it out* three times...
Liz: I rest my case.
"You dare to deal this blasphemous act to me! You are indeed brave stranger, yet your valor smacks of foolishness."
"I find you to be the only fool, sitting upon your pompous throne, enhancing the rolling flabs of your belly in the midst of your elaborate luxuryand ..."
Liz: *as the king* Hey, I’ve been on weight watchers, I’ll have you know!
The soldier standing at Grignr's side smote him heavily in the face with the flat of his sword,
Liz: Ouch, was just smacking him not enough?
Terra: He had it coming. Not about what he said to the king, but just throughout this story in general.
Liz: Good point.
cutting short the harsh words and knocking his battered helmet to the masonry with an echo-ing clang.
The paunchy noble's sagging round face flushed suddenly pale, then pastily
MakubeX: Oh, now you’re just making up adjectives.
Liz: Next thing you know he’ll be jumping sexily in front of bullets.
lit up to a lustrous cherry red radiance. His lips trembled with malicious rage, while emitting a muffled sibilant gibberish. His sagging flabs rolled like a tub of upset jelly,
MakubeX: He was chubby and plump, a right cranky old elf,
Liz: And I threw up in my mouth, in spite of myself.
then compressed as he sucked in his gut in an attempt to conceal his softness.
Terra: I’m starting to feel queasy reading all this.
The prince regained his statue,
Liz: When had he lost it?
Terra: Was his rank always Prince or was he just randomly demoted on the spot?
MakubeX: How many busts does this one have?
then spoke to the soldiers surrounding Grignr, his face conforming to an ugly expression of sadistic humor.
"Take this uncouth heathen to the vault of misery, and be sure that his agonies are long and drawn out before death can release him."
Liz: See? I knew there was gonna be a Pit of Despair!
MakubeX: No,it’s the Vault of Misery. Totally different.
Liz: If there’s an albino I call bullshit.
Terra: Are we back to rule 34 already?
MakubeX: I think this could be closer to rule 35...
Terra: *before he can stop himself* What’s rule 35?
MakubeX: Maybe some other time...
"As you wish sire, your command shall be heeded immediately,"
Liz: Whatever happened to the days when guards just nodded and followed orders without purple prose?
answered the soldier on the right of Grignr as he stared into the barbarians seemingly unaffected face.
The advisor seated in the back of the noble slowly rose and advanced to the side of his master, motioning the wenches seated at his sides to remove themselves.
Terra: *as the advisor* That’s it, I’ve had enough, go put some clothes on!
Liz: *as the wenches* Just five more minutes?
Terra: *as the advisor* Fine, but go be naked somewhere else.
He lowered his head and whispered to the noble.
"Eminence, the punishment you have decreed will cause much misery to this scum, yet it will last only a short time, then release him to a land beyond the sufferings of the human body. Why not mellow him in one of the subterranean vaults for a few days,
Terra: *as the king* Well it can’t be vault 713, I’m keeping the you-know-what in there.
then send him to life labor in one of your buried mines.
To one such as he, a life spent in the confinement of the stygian pits will be an infinitely more appropiate and lasting torture."
Liz: And they can’t just do something just as slow and torturous in their torture chamber because...?
Terra: Budget cuts.
Liz: Ugh. You know the castle guards have to eat the worst crap in the dining hall, too. And no minstrels ‘cause electives got cut.
The noble cupped his drooping double chin in the folds of his briming palm,
Liz: *also starting to look a little green now*
meditating for a moment upon the rationality of the councilor's word's, then raised his shaggy brown eyebrows and turned toward the advisor, eyes aglow.
"...As always Agafnd,
Terra: Gesundheit.
you speak with great wisdom. Your words ring of great knowledge concerning the nature of one such as he ," sayeth , the king.
Liz: Evil. I’m calling it now. The advisor is evil.
MakubeX: So he’s no different from our protagonist.
The noble turned toward the prisoner with a noticable shimmer reflecting in his frog-like eyes, and his lips contorting to a greasy grin.
Terra: And now I’m picturing the king...prince...whatever as Umbridge. It all makes sense now.
"I have decided to void my previous decree. The prisoner shall be removed to one of the palaces underground vaults.
Liz: He has more than one palace, too? Sheesh, greedy bastard.
There he shall stay until I have decided that he has sufficiently simmered, whereupon he is to be allowed to spend the remainder of his days at labor in one of my mines."
Terra: These people always have mines. He hasn’t even told us what KIND of mine.
Liz: As long as it’s not the Mines of Moria, we’re safe.
Terra: It’d make this story more interesting any way.
Liz: Grignr deserves a worse death than a Balrog tableflip.
Upon hearing this, Grignr realized that his fate would be far less merciful than death to one such as he, who is used to roaming the countryside at will. A life of confinement would be more than his body and mind could stand up to. This type of life would be immeasurably worse than death.
Terra: They call it “punishment” for a reason.
Liz: Now you go to your torture chamber and think about what you’ve done, young man!
MakubeX: I don’t know... somehow I feel he would actually enjoy the torture chamber.
Terra: It has been that kind of story, huh.
Liz: Tooooold ya we were slipping into barbarian bondage porn.
"I shall never understand the ways if your twisted civilization. I simply defend my honor
Liz: HOW IS A LIFE OF KILLING PEOPLE AND TREATING WOMEN LIKE OBJECTS HONORABLE?!
Terra: In this universe, I guess it is? Not that I’m happy about it.
and am condemned to life confinement, by a pig who sits on his royal ass wooing whores
Terra: He wasn’t wooing them, they were just sitting there naked. How is that wooing?
MakubeX: And wasn’t he in trouble for wooing a concubine earlier or something? And what about the other lady? And... ugh.
Terra: You know, we should probably stop trying to rationalize this story.
MakubeX: Agreed. I’m getting a headache.
Liz: Hang on guys, it’s almost over.
and knows nothing of the affairs of the land he imagines to rule!" Lectures Grignr ?
Liz: *as Phelous in the Airzone Solution review* Lectures...Grignr? *shrug*
MakubeX: I choose... no. Too short for a lecture.
"Enough of this! Away with the slut before I loose my control!"
Terra: You should probably lose that extra ‘o’ there.
Liz: Music make you loose control~
Seeing the peril of his position, Grignr searched for an opening. Crushing prudence to the sward,
Liz: Is he just trying to spell “sword” phonetically in Arnold Schwarzeneggar’s voice?
he plowed into the soldier at his left arm taking hold of his sword,
Liz: Starting this again, are we?
MakubeX: And we’re stopping it right now!
Liz: You guys are no fun.
and bounding to the dias supporting the prince before the startled guards could regain their composure.
Liz: *sings the Star Trek fight theme*
Agafnd leaped Grignr and his sire,
Liz: Because leapfrog is the first thing you think of in a big sword fight!
Terra: It’s an amusing image though. Better than what we’ve got.
but found a sword blade permeating the length of his ribs before he could loosed his weapon.
Liz: “Permeating” isn’t really a word I associate with getting stabbed in the chest.
The councilor slumped to his knees as Grignr slid his crimsoned blade from Agfnd's rib cage. The fat prince stood undulating in insurmountable fear
Terra: WE GET IT! HE’S A LARGE MAN! CAN WE STOP USING ADJECTIVES TO DESCRIBE HOW HE JIGGLES EVERY SINGLE TIME!
before the edge of the fiery maned comet, his flabs of jellied blubber pulsating to and fro in ripples of flowing terror.
Terra: *twitches*
MakubeX: It helps to picture him as Jabba the Hutt.
Liz: Nnnnno it really doesn’t.
"Where is your wisdom and power now, your magjesty?" Growled Grignr.
MakubeX: *as Grignr* Don’t you know you need all three pieces of the Triforce to defeat me?
The prince went rigid
Terra: Oh good, he stopped jiggling.
MakubeX: Oh, god, I don’t want to know why.
as Grignr discerned him glazing over his shoulder.
Liz: Ewwwwww~
He swlived to note the cause of the noble's attention, raised his sword over his head, and prepared to leash a vicious downward cleft, but fell short as the haft of a steel rimed pike clashed against his unguarded skull. Then blackness and solitude. Silence enshrouding and ever peaceful reind supreme.
Terra: That means he’s dead, right? The spike went into his head and there’s no way we can continue the story without a protagonist, right?
MakubeX: I do hope so.
Liz: Knowing our luck he probably used his fate point.
"Before me, sirrah! Before me as always! Ha, Ha Ha, Haaaa...", nobly cackled.
Liz: *Phew!* I dunno about you guys, but I need either a cigarette or a bucket.
MakubeX: Quick! Let’s get out of here before someone talks about swords again.
Terra: Or before the protagonist comes back from the dead with more adjectives.
MakubeX: Yes, before he spiritually raises from his deathly grave with... with... whatever. I’m tired.
Liz: Yeah, let’s just bury the idea.
Terra: *Terra get’s up* That’s it, I’m gone before either of you infect me with more puns or overuse of adjectives or more...sword jokes. *leaves*
Liz: Tough crowd.
MakubeX: *shrugs* Guess your wit isn’t sharp enough for him.
Liz: *grins and gets up to leave*
By Jim Theis
Liz: The Eye of Argon, now a fun game for all your nerdy convention-going friends!
Terra: Wait, I thought it was the Eye of Sauron and Aragon was one of the guys trying to stop him.
MakubeX: Eye of the Noble Gas.
The weather beaten trail wound ahead into the dust racked climes of the baren land which dominates large portions of the Norgolian empire.
Terra: Someone really loves their adjectives.
Liz: Our author really DID get hooked on phonics. So hooked that spelling got kicked to the curb.
MakubeX: So it didn’t really work for him. ...or us.
Age worn hoof prints smothered by the sifting sands of time shone dully against the dust splattered crust of earth. The tireless sun cast its parching rays of incandescense from overhead, half way through its daily revolution. Small rodents scampered about, occupying themselves in the daily accomplishments of their dismal lives.
Terra: *sings* From the day we arrive on the planet And, blinking, step into the sun
Liz: *sings* There’s more to see, then can ever be seen, more to do than can ever be done~
MakubeX: *sings* There’s far too much to take in here *stops singing* ...so let’s stop and carry on, shall we?
Liz: Hang on, we’ve gotta at least reach the best part...
Terra: Yeah, you can’t sing Circle of Life without getting to the Circle of Life.
MakubeX: ...true. *stands and conducts*
Terra: *sings, picking up where MakubeX left off* More to find than can ever be found. But the sun rolling high, through the sapphire sky
Liz: Keeps great and small on the endless round~*throws her arms up in the air for the big finish*
Everyone: IT’S THE CIR~CLE OF LIIIIIIFE! AND IT MOVES US ALL!
Dust sprayed over three heaving mounts in blinding clouds, while they bore the burdonsome cargoes of their struggling overseers.
Liz: Whether ‘tis nobler in the mind to suffer the burdonsome cargoes of struggling overseers....yeah that doesn’t really work.
MakubeX: I’m not sure what’s going on here, but I’m 75% sure it’s filthy.
Terra: Well there is a lot of dust.
"Prepare to embrace your creators in the stygian haunts of hell, barbarian", gasped the first soldier.
Terra: Wait! Is this a random encounter? Where did this guy suddenly appear in all this dusty scenery?
Liz: Aw, crap, and I’m out of mana!
"Only after you have kissed the fleeting stead of death, wretch!" returned Grignr.
MakubeX: Grignr? That’s not a name, it’s a keyboard smash.
Liz: Or a Pokemon.
A sweeping blade of flashing steel riveted from the massive barbarians hide enameled shield
Liz: This is such a RIVETING battle!
as his rippling right arm thrust forth, sending a steel shod blade to the hilt into the soldiers vital organs. The disemboweled mercenary crumpled from his saddle and sank to the clouded sward, sprinkling the parched dust with crimson droplets of escaping life fluid.
Terra: Grignr defeated Wild Soldier, obtained 25 EXP.
The enthused barbarian swilveled about, his shock of fiery red hair tossing robustly in the humid air currents as he faced the attack of the defeated soldier's fellow in arms.
MakubeX: Is anyone else suddenly imagining a red-haired Fabio here?
Liz: I’m too busy trying to shake the image of Korgoth of Barbaria out of my head.
Terra: I’m sorry, I got lost in all the other adjectives being thrown around. They do know that not every word requires and adjective description right?
MakubeX: I strongly think that this is sadly something they unfortunately do not.
Liz: *looks at MakubeX* Oh no, they’ve infected you already.
MakubeX: It’s such a tragically tragic tragedy.
Liz: *bows her head sadly* We will mourn the loss of your sanity, my friend.
"Damn you, barbarian" Shrieked the soldier as he observed his comrade in death.
MakubeX: Shrieked with such enthusiasm...
Liz: They never really liked that guy, they just wanted their obligatory “Curse you, enemy guy!” interjection.
Terra: I’m surprised he wasn’t shaking his fist.
A gleaming scimitar smote a heavy blow against the renegade's spiked helmet, bringing a heavy cloud over the Ecordian's misting brain.
Terra: Their brain turned into a vapor?
Shaking off the effects of the pounding blow to his head, Grignr brought down his scarlet streaked edge against the soldier's crudely forged hauberk, clanging harmlessly to the left side of his opponent.
MakubeX: …okay. “He struck his bloody sword against his opponent’s flank.” See? Shorter, but you still get to keep your adjectives and pretty words.
Liz: I think this guy was paid by the word--oh wait, no, I don’t think he was paid at all.
The soldier's stead whinnied as he directed the horse back from the driving blade of the barbarian. Grignr leashed his mount forward
Liz: Can you leash anything “forward?”
as the hoarsely piercing battle cry of his wilderness bred race resounded from his grinding lungs.
Terra: So did anyone else read that as the horse giving the battle cry? I have to admit that’s pretty intimidating.
Liz: Well of course, nobody can measure the UNBRIDLED terror a warhorse can invoke in a guy.
MakubeX: *groans*
Terra: That was terrible, Liz.
Liz: *grins* I know.
A twirling blade bounced harmlessly from the mighty thief's buckler as his rolling right arm cleft upward, sending a foot of blinding steel ripping through the Simarian's exposed gullet. A gasping gurgle from the soldier's writhing mouth as he tumbled to the golden sand at his feet, and wormed agonizingly in his death bed.
MakubeX: Or... you know. On the ground.
Terra: I do have to admire the gasping gurgle line though, the alliteration is nice.
Liz: Psh, I’ve heard better. I live with Linkara.
Grignr's emerald green orbs
Terra: Eyes, works just fine you know.
glared lustfully at the wallowing soldier
Liz: *as the soldier, strangled voice* I wish I knew how to quit you!
MakubeX: Ah! I knew this was headed someplace sleazy.
Terra: This isn’t one of those romance novels is it?
Liz: You boys have just taken the first step into manhood; discovering Rule 34.
MakubeX: *SIGH...*
Terra: *clueless* Rule 34?
Liz: *Godlike voice* If it exists, so shall the internet create pornography of it.
Terra: That’s a rule?
Liz: Ohhh yeah. Word to the wise; if you ever discover the internet, never look at anything called “The Treehouse.” Just trust me on this.
MakubeX: In fact, don’t look at anything on the internet. Ever.
struggling before his chestnut swirled mount.
Terra: And now he’s riding a dessert? These adjectives are out of control.
His scowling voice reverberated over the dying form in a tone of mocking mirth. "You city bred dogs should learn not to antagonize your better."
Liz: *as barbarian* And you should learn to scoop your poop when you’re done!
Reining his weary mount ahead, grignr resumed his journey to the Noregolian city of Gorzam, hoping to discover wine, women, and adventure to boil the wild blood coarsing through his savage veins.
Liz: Well, enough of that gory battle, I guess! Time for ale and wenches!
MakubeX: ...this is going to be porn after all, isn’t it?
Liz: With the Conan the Barbarian ripoff here? Most likely.
The trek to Gorzom was forced upon Grignr when the soldiers of Crin were leashed upon him
Liz: UNleashed. I’m pretty sure you mean UNleashed.
MakubeX: Unless they’re tethered to him somehow. A really, really, really, really long chain, perhaps?
Liz: So we’re in the realm of bondage porn now. Great.
MakubeX: Barbarian bondage porn. Joy...
Terra: Is it too late to ask to riff something else?
by a faithless concubine he had wooed.
Liz: How DARE she sleep around with other men even though she’s not married or obligated to stick with him!
His scandalous activities throughout the Simarian city
Terra: Sim City is in this? But the author hasn’t mentioned glowing green emeralds that float above the citizens’ heads.
MakubeX: Or short green-haired doctors.
had unleashed throngs of havoc and uproar among it's refined patricians, leading them to tack a heavy reward over his head.
MakubeX: Unfortunately, he was too short to reach it, even on his tippy toes.
Liz: Conan the Midget!
He had barely managed to escape through the back entrance of the inn he had been guzzling in,
Terra: I’m afraid to ask what he was guzzling if the author didn’t take the time to describe it with a ton of adjectives.
Liz: Tap water. Lukewarm tap water.
as a squad of soldiers tounced upon him.
Terra: Did you mean pounce or trounced?
Makubex: Both? At the same time?
After spilling a spout of blood from the leader of the mercenaries as he dismembered one of the officer's arms, he retreated to his mount
MakubeX: I really wish they would stop using the word “mount”...
to make his way towards Gorzom, rumoured to contain hoards of plunder, and many young wenches for any man who has the backbone to wrest them away.
Terra: I wish he would stop referring to all females as wenches.
Liz: Our hero, ladies and gentlemen! A drunken, greedy, murderous psychopath who is lead by his dick.
Makubex: I’m suspicious of his relationship with his horse as well...
Terra: Can we read about Aragorn instead?
Makubex: I’d even settle for Eragon.
-2-
Liz: *as the Count* Two! Two chapters of bad spelling and boring characters! Ah ah ah ah!
*A thunderclap echoes through the theatre*
MakubeX: How did you do that?
Liz: Rule of Funny.
Terra: Is this another one of those rules, like rule 34? Why doesn’t it have a number?
Liz: Because the internet just wants to confuse you, Terra. *pats his shoulder*
MakubeX: First rule of the internet: do not question the internet. ...or is it do not talk about /b/...?
Terra: If that’s the case why are there 33 more rules?
MakubeX: Oh, there’s plenty more. Just be glad we haven’t seen Rule 63. ...yet.
Terra: *opens mouth to ask about Rule 63*
Liz: *covers his mouth* Oh look, there’s more book to mock!
Arriving after dusk in Gorzom,grignr descended down a dismal alley, reining his horse before a beaten tavern. The redhaired giant strode into the dimly lit hostelry reeking of foul odors, and cheap wine.
Liz: *as Grignr, effeminate lispy voice* They could at least get some curtains in this place, my gawd.
The air was heavy with chocking fumes spewing from smolderingtorches encased within theden's earthen packed walls.
MakubeX: The space bar is rebelling!
Terra: About time, it was probably sick of all those adjectives.
Tables were clustered with groups of drunken thieves, and cutthroats,
Liz: Crap, is this gonna be like high school where you have to watch which clique you sit with?
tossing dice, or making love to willing prostitutes.
Terra: That’s unsanitary! People eat on those tables...I think.
Eyeing a slender female crouched alone at a nearby bench, Grignr advanced wishing to wholesomely
Terra: *crossing his arms* I am fairly certain there is nothing “wholesome” about what he has planned.
occupy his time. The flickering torches cast weird shafts of luminescence dancing over the half naked harlot of his choice, her stringy orchid twines of hair swaying gracefully over the lithe opaque nose,
Liz: As opposed to her fat translucent nose...?
as she raised a half drained mug to her pale red lips.
MakubeX: ...but the shafts are just “weird”. Not strange, unusual, inscrutable, oddball, uncanny, curious...
Terra: STOP READING THE THESAURUS!
Makubex: ...just saying.
Terra: There are enough adjectives in this story, thanks.
Glancing upward, the alluring complexion noted the stalwart giant as he rapidly approached.
Terra: She’s not even a person any more, she’s a “complexion.”
Liz: *rubbing her temple*At this rate, are you really surprised?
Terra: *sigh* Not really.
MakubeX: *stands, mock-bullfights; in a female voice* Toro! Toro!
A faint glimmer sparked from the pair of deep blue ovals
Liz: Woah, we’ve moved a step up! They’re ovals instead of orbs!
Terra: They still aren’t EYES though.
Liz: Pity though, I was so hoping for a chance to use a blue balls joke.
of the amorous female as she motioned toward Grignr, enticing him to join her. The barbarian seated himself upon a stool at the wenches side, exposing his body, naked save for a loin cloth brandishing a long steel broad sword,
Terra: Wow, that’s a pretty impressive loin cloth if it can wield a sword for him.
MakubeX: Or, rather, that’s what he calls... Little Grignr.
Terra: *coughs*
Liz: *just snickers* You beat me to it.
MakubeX: ...moving on...
an iron spiraled battle helmet, and a thick leather sandals, to her unobstructed view.
"Thou hast need to occupy your time, barbarian",questioned the female?
"Only if something worth offering is within my reach." Stated Grignr,as his hands crept to embrace the tempting female, who
MakubeX: ...who gave him a quick kick to the broad sword and ran. I hope.
welcomed them with open willingness.
Liz: Nope, sorry Mak. This is a world where women are nothing but squishy sex objects, remember?
Terra: Wenches, I believe is the term being used. Or just complexion.
"From where do you come barbarian,
Liz: *opens her mouth to quip*
Terra: *covers her mouth with his hand* Please just, let it go Liz.
Liz: *sulks*
MakubeX: THANK you.
and by what are you called?" Gasped the complying wench, as Grignr smothered her lips with the blazing touch of his flaming mouth.
MakubeX: Wouldn’t it me more like “frm wr d y cm brbrn” or... you know... “Ow”?
Terra: Maybe he should get that checked.
The engrossed titan ignored the queries of the inquisitive female,
Terra: *gasped, he is shocked* HE DIDN’T SAY WENCH!
Liz: *cues the Price is Right theme*
MakubeX: You really need to teach me how to do that.
pulling her towards him and crushing her sagging nipples
All: EW!
Liz: Roughing the listener, five word penalty!
Terra: Of all the times to fail with your adjective use, that was not it.
to his yearning chest. Without struggle she gave in, winding her soft arms around the harshly bronzedhide of Grignr
Liz: Have you heard of my new band, Bronzedhide of Grignr?
corded shoulder blades, as his calloused hands caressed her firm protruding busts.
MakubeX: This doesn’t seem anatomically correct...
Terra: He’s groping her statues?
Liz: Clearly he prefers his women stoned.
Terra: *groans at the pun* Again?
MakubeX: Well, with his chiseled features...
Liz: Aw, damn, I wish I’d thought of that one. Well played, sir.
Terra: Not you too!
MakubeX: It’s contagious.
"You make love well wench," Admitted Grignr as he reached for the vessel of potent wine his charge had been quaffing.
MakubeX: Somehow I get the feeling he doesn’t really do this often.
Liz: Or at all. That was sex? Did we skip a page?
Terra: If we did can we just not look for it?
MakubeX: I’ll second that.
Liz: *shrug*
A flying foot caught the mug Grignr had taken hold of, sending its blood red contents sloshing over a flickering crescent; leashing tongues of bright orange flame to the foot trodden floor.
Liz: ...I....I must’ve blinked. What happened?
MakubeX: A disembodied foot flew through the air, grabbed Grignr’s mug, dumped his wine, and set the place on fire. Somehow.
Terra: Apparently the wine jumped over the moon. Unless something else is a crescent.
Liz: That’s what I thought.
"Remove yourself Sirrah, the wench belongs to me;" Blabbered a drunken soldier,
Liz: *sings* What shall we do with a drunken soldier,
MakubeX: *sings* What shall we do with a drunken soldier,
Terra: *sings* What shall we do with a drunken soldier.
All: *sings* Ear-ly in the morning?
too far consumed by the influences of his virile brew to take note of the superior size of his adversary.
Liz: *as Grignr in the girly voice again* You were staring? You pervert.
MakubeX: ...*just... facepalms*
Terra: Why does it keep coming back to that? Why?
Grignr lithly bounded from the startled female, his face lit up to an ashen red ferocity, and eyes
Terra: So it’s finally his eyes now?
Liz: He knew we were keeping an eye out for it.
MakubeX: Should have seen that coming...
Terra: I, for one, was blind sided. *realizes he just punned* Darn it Liz!
Liz: *grins wickedly* You are learning, young padawan.
MakubeX: Resistance is futile.
locked in a searing feral blaze toward the swaying soldier.
"To hell with you, braggard!" Bellowed the angered Ecordian, as he hefted his finely honed broad sword.
MakubeX: *gives Liz a preemptive glare*
Terra: *glances at Liz with an unsure look*
Liz: *grins innocently*
The staggering soldier clumsily reached towards the pommel of his dangling sword,
MakubeX: I give up. Can we just replace every instance of “sword” with “penis” and be done with it?
Terra: *face in hands* Must we? It’s har---difficult enough without imagining that every couple of lines.
Liz: Bit too late to pull out now, Terra.
Terra: You’re punning this too? Really?
Liz: We’ve both lived on this Satellite how long?
Terra: I guess I just keep hoping one day you’ll stop.
Liz: *grins* Linkara once thought the same.
MakubeX: Maybe we’ll reach the cli-... ending soon and we can forget about all this.
but before his hands ever touched the oaken hilt a silvered flash was slicing the heavy air. The thews of the savages lashing right arm bulged from the glistening bronzed hide as his blade bit deeply into the soldiers neck, loping off the confused head of his senseless tormentor.
Liz: No wonder he’s confused. Since when do swords bite?
MakubeX: And now the apostrophes have rebelled as well.
Liz: Next thing you know the commas will kill us all in our sleep.
With a nauseating thud the severed oval toppled to the floor, as the segregated torso of Grignr's bovine antagonist swayed, then collapsed in a pool of swirled crimson.
Liz: Wait, so he was really a cow? Where’s PETA when you need ‘em?
Terra: I’m wondering what the crimson is swirled WITH exactly?
MakubeX: I don’t want to know.
Terra: Actually, you’re right, it’s probably best not to know.
In the confusion the soldier's fellows confronted Grignr with unsheathed cutlasses, directed toward the latters scowling make-up.
MakubeX: That’s some horrifying make-up...
Liz: Clearly Grignr raided the Ultimate Warrior’s vanity before the story started.
"The slut should have picked his quarry more carefully!" Roared the victor in a mocking baritone growl,
Liz: Is it possible to have, say, a mocking mezzo-soprano growl?
Terra: Probably, but it wouldn’t be as intimidating.
as he wiped his dripping blade on the prostrate form, and returned it to its scabbard.
Terra: *hiding face in hands* The imagery just doesn’t stop.
MakubeX: *pats Terra’s shoulder*
"The fool should have shown more prudence, however you shall rue your actions while rotting in the pits."
Liz: *as the albino from Princess Bride* The Pit of Despaaaair~
Stated one of the sprawled soldier's comrades.
Grignr's hand began to remove his blade from its leather housing,
Liz: WHOA boy, careful with that thing! Nobody wants to see that!
but retarded the motion in face of the blades waving before his face.
"Dismiss your hand from the hilt, barbarbian, or you shall find a foot of steel sheathed in your gizzard."
Terra: *as the soldier* Remove thy hand from thy pants!
Liz: Hey, there ya go!
MakubeX: *golf clap*
Terra: *sighs, hiding face again* I couldn’t hold it in any longer, it was just too much.
Liz: *pats his shoulder*
Grignr weighed his position observing his plight, where-upon he took the soldier's advice as the only logical choice. To attempt to hack his way from his present predicament could only warrant certain death. He was of no mind to bring upon his own demise if an alternate path presented itself.
Liz: Given what we’ve seen, I’m amazed he was of any mind at all.
The will to necessitate his life forced him to yield to the superior force in hopes of a moment of carlessness
Terra: But where would we be without Carl?
Liz: No, not Carl! He was my favorite character I’ve never heard of until now!
later upon the part of his captors in which he could effect a more plausible means of escape.
"You may steady your arms, I will go without a struggle."
Liz: *as Grignr* But I will scream like a little girl the whole time.
"Your decision is a wise one, yet perhaps you would have been better off had you forced death," the soldier's mouth wrinkled to a sadistic grin of knowing mirth as he prodded his prisoner on with his sword point.
MakubeX: ...yes, let’s just let this one slide.
Terra: Works for me.
After an indiscriminate period of marching through slinking alleyways
Liz: Transitions? What’re those?!
MakubeX: Things with not enough adjectives.
and dim moonlighted streets the procession confronted a massive seraglio. The palace area was surrounded by an iron grating, with a lush garden upon all sides.
The group was admitted through the gilded gateway and Grignr was ledalong a stone pathway bordered by plush vegitation lustfully enhanced by the moon's shimmering rays.
Liz: Jeez, even the moon and the plants have a thing going on!
Upon reaching the palace the group was granted entrance, and after several minutes of explanation,
Liz: Oh no please, I wanted to hear whatever they’re talking about! Surely it’s much more interesting than the ginger giant’s penis!
MakubeX: I doubt it. It was probably just a bunch of prodding. ...for information!
Liz: *grins* Too late to backpedal, Mak.
Makubex: *~_~;*
led through several winding corridors to a richly draped chamber.
Terra: *in best attempt at Rarity voice* Which had several chaise lounges.
Confronting the group was a short stocky man seated upona golden throne. Tapestries of richly draped regal blue silk covered all walls of the chamber, while the steps leading to the throne were plated with sparkling white ivory. The man upon the throne had a naked wench seated at each of his arms, and a trusted advisor seated in back of him
Terra: oogling the naked wenches.
Liz: Suddenly we’re in Caligula! It all makes sense now!
At each cornwr of the chamber a guard stood at attention, with upraised pikes supported in their hands, golden chainmail adorning their torso's and barred helmets emitting scarlet plumes enshrouding their heads. The man rose from his throne to the dias surrounding it. His plush turquois robe dangled loosely from his chuncky frame.
MakubeX: Ah, now the spell check has completely rebelled as well. There won’t be much left at this rate.
Terra: It’s probably for the best. Spell check probably got tired of telling the author it’s “Ginger” not “Grignr”
Liz: BECAUSE POOR LITERACY IS KEWL!
The soldiers surrounding Grignr fell to their knees with heads bowed to the stone masonry of the floor in fearful dignity to their sovereign, leige.
Terra: I have not seen a single thing in this story that has made me think “dignity.” Especially since their ruler has two naked women sitting up there with him.
"Explain the purpose of this intrusion upon my chateau!"
Liz: *as the king* You could have at least knocked, geez. It’s not like I’m royalty or anything.
"Your sirenity,
Makubex: *sings* Burn the land and boil the sea...
Liz: *sings* You can’t take the sky from me~*hums the violin bridge*
Terra: *sings* There's no place I can be since I found Serenity.
All: *sings* But you can’t take the sky from me~!
resplendent in noble grandeur, we have brought this yokel before you (the soldier gestured toward Grignr) for the redress or your all knowing wisdon in judgement regarding his fate."
"Down on your knees, lout, and pay proper homage to your sovereign!" commanded the pudgy noble of Grignr.
"By the surly beard of Mrifk,
Liz: Gesundheit!
Grignr kneels to no man!" scowled the massive barbarian.
Liz: Okay, show of hands, who wants to call this guy “Big McLargehuge” from now on?
Makubex: *raises hand* It’s better than Grignr.
Terra: *raises hand* Now it won’t be associated with me any more.
Liz: Of course not. Nowadays we associate you with bare legs of doom.
Terra: HEY! It’s only happened...*pauses as he figures it out* three times...
Liz: I rest my case.
"You dare to deal this blasphemous act to me! You are indeed brave stranger, yet your valor smacks of foolishness."
"I find you to be the only fool, sitting upon your pompous throne, enhancing the rolling flabs of your belly in the midst of your elaborate luxuryand ..."
Liz: *as the king* Hey, I’ve been on weight watchers, I’ll have you know!
The soldier standing at Grignr's side smote him heavily in the face with the flat of his sword,
Liz: Ouch, was just smacking him not enough?
Terra: He had it coming. Not about what he said to the king, but just throughout this story in general.
Liz: Good point.
cutting short the harsh words and knocking his battered helmet to the masonry with an echo-ing clang.
The paunchy noble's sagging round face flushed suddenly pale, then pastily
MakubeX: Oh, now you’re just making up adjectives.
Liz: Next thing you know he’ll be jumping sexily in front of bullets.
lit up to a lustrous cherry red radiance. His lips trembled with malicious rage, while emitting a muffled sibilant gibberish. His sagging flabs rolled like a tub of upset jelly,
MakubeX: He was chubby and plump, a right cranky old elf,
Liz: And I threw up in my mouth, in spite of myself.
then compressed as he sucked in his gut in an attempt to conceal his softness.
Terra: I’m starting to feel queasy reading all this.
The prince regained his statue,
Liz: When had he lost it?
Terra: Was his rank always Prince or was he just randomly demoted on the spot?
MakubeX: How many busts does this one have?
then spoke to the soldiers surrounding Grignr, his face conforming to an ugly expression of sadistic humor.
"Take this uncouth heathen to the vault of misery, and be sure that his agonies are long and drawn out before death can release him."
Liz: See? I knew there was gonna be a Pit of Despair!
MakubeX: No,it’s the Vault of Misery. Totally different.
Liz: If there’s an albino I call bullshit.
Terra: Are we back to rule 34 already?
MakubeX: I think this could be closer to rule 35...
Terra: *before he can stop himself* What’s rule 35?
MakubeX: Maybe some other time...
"As you wish sire, your command shall be heeded immediately,"
Liz: Whatever happened to the days when guards just nodded and followed orders without purple prose?
answered the soldier on the right of Grignr as he stared into the barbarians seemingly unaffected face.
The advisor seated in the back of the noble slowly rose and advanced to the side of his master, motioning the wenches seated at his sides to remove themselves.
Terra: *as the advisor* That’s it, I’ve had enough, go put some clothes on!
Liz: *as the wenches* Just five more minutes?
Terra: *as the advisor* Fine, but go be naked somewhere else.
He lowered his head and whispered to the noble.
"Eminence, the punishment you have decreed will cause much misery to this scum, yet it will last only a short time, then release him to a land beyond the sufferings of the human body. Why not mellow him in one of the subterranean vaults for a few days,
Terra: *as the king* Well it can’t be vault 713, I’m keeping the you-know-what in there.
then send him to life labor in one of your buried mines.
To one such as he, a life spent in the confinement of the stygian pits will be an infinitely more appropiate and lasting torture."
Liz: And they can’t just do something just as slow and torturous in their torture chamber because...?
Terra: Budget cuts.
Liz: Ugh. You know the castle guards have to eat the worst crap in the dining hall, too. And no minstrels ‘cause electives got cut.
The noble cupped his drooping double chin in the folds of his briming palm,
Liz: *also starting to look a little green now*
meditating for a moment upon the rationality of the councilor's word's, then raised his shaggy brown eyebrows and turned toward the advisor, eyes aglow.
"...As always Agafnd,
Terra: Gesundheit.
you speak with great wisdom. Your words ring of great knowledge concerning the nature of one such as he ," sayeth , the king.
Liz: Evil. I’m calling it now. The advisor is evil.
MakubeX: So he’s no different from our protagonist.
The noble turned toward the prisoner with a noticable shimmer reflecting in his frog-like eyes, and his lips contorting to a greasy grin.
Terra: And now I’m picturing the king...prince...whatever as Umbridge. It all makes sense now.
"I have decided to void my previous decree. The prisoner shall be removed to one of the palaces underground vaults.
Liz: He has more than one palace, too? Sheesh, greedy bastard.
There he shall stay until I have decided that he has sufficiently simmered, whereupon he is to be allowed to spend the remainder of his days at labor in one of my mines."
Terra: These people always have mines. He hasn’t even told us what KIND of mine.
Liz: As long as it’s not the Mines of Moria, we’re safe.
Terra: It’d make this story more interesting any way.
Liz: Grignr deserves a worse death than a Balrog tableflip.
Upon hearing this, Grignr realized that his fate would be far less merciful than death to one such as he, who is used to roaming the countryside at will. A life of confinement would be more than his body and mind could stand up to. This type of life would be immeasurably worse than death.
Terra: They call it “punishment” for a reason.
Liz: Now you go to your torture chamber and think about what you’ve done, young man!
MakubeX: I don’t know... somehow I feel he would actually enjoy the torture chamber.
Terra: It has been that kind of story, huh.
Liz: Tooooold ya we were slipping into barbarian bondage porn.
"I shall never understand the ways if your twisted civilization. I simply defend my honor
Liz: HOW IS A LIFE OF KILLING PEOPLE AND TREATING WOMEN LIKE OBJECTS HONORABLE?!
Terra: In this universe, I guess it is? Not that I’m happy about it.
and am condemned to life confinement, by a pig who sits on his royal ass wooing whores
Terra: He wasn’t wooing them, they were just sitting there naked. How is that wooing?
MakubeX: And wasn’t he in trouble for wooing a concubine earlier or something? And what about the other lady? And... ugh.
Terra: You know, we should probably stop trying to rationalize this story.
MakubeX: Agreed. I’m getting a headache.
Liz: Hang on guys, it’s almost over.
and knows nothing of the affairs of the land he imagines to rule!" Lectures Grignr ?
Liz: *as Phelous in the Airzone Solution review* Lectures...Grignr? *shrug*
MakubeX: I choose... no. Too short for a lecture.
"Enough of this! Away with the slut before I loose my control!"
Terra: You should probably lose that extra ‘o’ there.
Liz: Music make you loose control~
Seeing the peril of his position, Grignr searched for an opening. Crushing prudence to the sward,
Liz: Is he just trying to spell “sword” phonetically in Arnold Schwarzeneggar’s voice?
he plowed into the soldier at his left arm taking hold of his sword,
Liz: Starting this again, are we?
MakubeX: And we’re stopping it right now!
Liz: You guys are no fun.
and bounding to the dias supporting the prince before the startled guards could regain their composure.
Liz: *sings the Star Trek fight theme*
Agafnd leaped Grignr and his sire,
Liz: Because leapfrog is the first thing you think of in a big sword fight!
Terra: It’s an amusing image though. Better than what we’ve got.
but found a sword blade permeating the length of his ribs before he could loosed his weapon.
Liz: “Permeating” isn’t really a word I associate with getting stabbed in the chest.
The councilor slumped to his knees as Grignr slid his crimsoned blade from Agfnd's rib cage. The fat prince stood undulating in insurmountable fear
Terra: WE GET IT! HE’S A LARGE MAN! CAN WE STOP USING ADJECTIVES TO DESCRIBE HOW HE JIGGLES EVERY SINGLE TIME!
before the edge of the fiery maned comet, his flabs of jellied blubber pulsating to and fro in ripples of flowing terror.
Terra: *twitches*
MakubeX: It helps to picture him as Jabba the Hutt.
Liz: Nnnnno it really doesn’t.
"Where is your wisdom and power now, your magjesty?" Growled Grignr.
MakubeX: *as Grignr* Don’t you know you need all three pieces of the Triforce to defeat me?
The prince went rigid
Terra: Oh good, he stopped jiggling.
MakubeX: Oh, god, I don’t want to know why.
as Grignr discerned him glazing over his shoulder.
Liz: Ewwwwww~
He swlived to note the cause of the noble's attention, raised his sword over his head, and prepared to leash a vicious downward cleft, but fell short as the haft of a steel rimed pike clashed against his unguarded skull. Then blackness and solitude. Silence enshrouding and ever peaceful reind supreme.
Terra: That means he’s dead, right? The spike went into his head and there’s no way we can continue the story without a protagonist, right?
MakubeX: I do hope so.
Liz: Knowing our luck he probably used his fate point.
"Before me, sirrah! Before me as always! Ha, Ha Ha, Haaaa...", nobly cackled.
Liz: *Phew!* I dunno about you guys, but I need either a cigarette or a bucket.
MakubeX: Quick! Let’s get out of here before someone talks about swords again.
Terra: Or before the protagonist comes back from the dead with more adjectives.
MakubeX: Yes, before he spiritually raises from his deathly grave with... with... whatever. I’m tired.
Liz: Yeah, let’s just bury the idea.
Terra: *Terra get’s up* That’s it, I’m gone before either of you infect me with more puns or overuse of adjectives or more...sword jokes. *leaves*
Liz: Tough crowd.
MakubeX: *shrugs* Guess your wit isn’t sharp enough for him.
Liz: *grins and gets up to leave*