Experiment #21 - Knight Moves - Chapter 1

[itsjustthemads]

Knight Moves - Chapter 1
By Jamiaca Layne


Rarity: *wanders in, followed by a half dozen birds, squirrels, and rabbits* I suppose we should get this over with.
Lea: *walks in, eyebrows at the animals* Uhhhh... Do I want to know?
Rarity: Oh, they follow me when I sing. Harry assures me it’s perfectly normal.
Lea: *gives a snort* Right, well, I figured. Most things are considered “normal” nowndays, as opposed to... Well that.
Kotetsu: *chuckles and picks up a white bunny* Heh.
Rarity: Oh, that one is Barnaby. He’s very affectionate.
Kotetsu: *smirks* Oh, he is, huh?
Lea: *rubs his chin* Kinda adorable yea, if he wasn’t so affectionate, I’d say he’d reminded me of someone.

I just barely missed being decapitated by a flying rump roast.

Rarity: Just think! Two inches to the left and the story would have been over!
Lea: *gives a sigh* I wish... Tch, but why rump roast?
Kotetsu: Because one sentence in and the narrator’s already being an ass.
Lea: *snorts then laughs*

Or perhaps it was a badly misshapen chicken. It’s kind of hard to tell, since everything the corset-clad waitresses bring out looks like reconstituted mystery meat.

Rarity: Then why does it matter?
Lea: Reminds me of high school lunch...

And no sooner does said mystery meat land on anybody’s plate, it often ends up being lobbed across the room -- usually at whoever just lost the jousting match going on in the center of the dining hall.

Rarity: It’s like hot potato for carnivores!

If you can even call it a dining hall, anyway. It’s more like a livestock corral surrounded by a bunch of folding tables. How does anyone actually dine here when the live entertainment features jousting and all that goes with it, including flying broken lances and, I’m told, the occasional dismembered limb?

Kotetsu: Oh, hey, we know where the meat comes from now!
Lea: HEY EVERYONE! I got George’s leg! WHOO!
Rarity: *looks a little green* I’ve heard of “got your nose,” but that is disgusting.

How I let my friend drag me out to an evening at restaurant-slash-bloody-swordfest Medieval Worlds: Dinner and Tournament for my birthday is beyond me.

Rarity: Wait, is this a performance? I can’t imagine they’d stay open for long if performers were getting dismembered every night!
Kotetsu: I heard it costs an arm and a leg to get in.
Lea: Hiyooo~!
Rarity: *buries her face in her hooves*
Kotetsu: *grin~*
Lea: I request the highest of fives! *holds up hand*
Kotetsu: *obliges!*
Rarity: You are a terrible influence on Barnaby, you realize.
Lea: Hey hey~ Maybe it’ll good for him to learn all the terrible stuff now.
Kotetsu: Yeah, what he said.
Rarity: *just shakes head slowly. Boys.*

In the past ten minutes, I’ve not only had to dodge multiple attacks of flying mystery meat, I’ve gotten a lap full of something that smells a lot like horse manure.

Lea: And this is why you should have brought a nose pin.
Rarity: And this is why she should never have left the house.
Kotetsu: Hopefully it isn’t mystery chocolate...
Lea: Considering everyone who seems to be having fun here in this place. It wouldn’t surprise me in the least.

Something tells me that the ringside seats Nancy snagged at a discount are cheap for a reason.

Rarity: Not even the scalpers wanted them.

Nancy knocks back her fifth goblet of something called “grog” -- the Middle Ages’ answer to a kamikaze shot -- and punches me in the shoulder. “Isn’t thish great, Louise?” she slurs, having to shout to be heard over the cheering crowd and obnoxious medieval trumpet fanfares. “Aren’tsh you glaaaad I broughtsht you here instead of thatsh stuffy Frenchsh restaurant you like? I reaaaaaally hatesh Frenchsh food, by the way. It’ssh too fattening.”

Rarity: Oh, certainly. Why on Equestria would you want to go to a classy, upscale French restaurant and enjoy the finest of cuisine when you could come here and be assaulted by meat! The choice is obvious, really.
Kotetsu: *rereads the passage, looks back at Rarity* Sounds kinda familiar...
Rarity: Sarcasm, dear.
Lea: *acts like Nancy* NYIAAAM NYOT DRUNK, YUR DRUNK~!

I stare down at my wooden (yes, wooden) plate and sigh. It’s not as if the deep-fried, reconstituted mystery meat we’ve been served is diet food.

Lea: Ahhh, last time I checked, meat isn’t really diet food at all. Unless you’re like... On one of those protein diets.
Rarity: I certainly wouldn’t touch it.
Kotetsu: The plate is probably the healthiest thing in front of her.
Lea: Probably. Lots of fiber in that.

I now know that Nancy brought me here so she could enjoy herself, not because she wanted to stick to her diet. And it’s pretty clear from the way Nancy is now trying to make out with a roving jester who stopped by our table to juggle that she is having a good time indeed.

Lea: ...The Jester? Really lady? You like guys who wear those silly bell hat things, and act like a complete weirdo?
Rarity: It may be time to find new friends.
Kotetsu: ...do I wanna know what he’s juggling?
Lea: ...No, no I don’t think we want to know...
Rarity: I prefer not to think about it, thank you.

Unlike me. Frankly, I’d prefer having my gums scraped than eat overpriced mystery meat and watch a bunch of bad out-of-work stage actors get dressed up in ill-fitting polyester knight outfits and joust each other on horseback.

Rarity: Is it bad that I’m sympathizing with her right now?
Lea: *snerks* Well I don’t know about you, but I think I’ll stand the bad meat over scraping gums.

I’m no good around livestock -- the smell of horseshit makes me want to puke.

Rarity: Oh, wait, sympathy gone. That was quick.
Kotetsu: *pats her back*

And I think I’m allergic to horse fur.

Rarity: It’s not fur, it’s hide. If you’re going to be insulting, you could at least be accurate.

Or maybe hay. I’m sitting on a hay bale, Medieval Worlds’ version of chairs, and my ass is starting to itch.

Lea: Welllllllllll, I think you should have thought of that, before you came to a place full of Medieval stuff. Then you’ll be a happy girl staying in your home, reading Make-Up Magazines, and watching those soap shows. Rather than being outside surrounded by all the things you hate apparently.

I stand up and rub at the creeping allergy rash I can feel starting to grow on my ass cheeks.

Rarity: Classy. Further bulletins as events warrant, I presume?

“Excuse me, Nancy,” I say to her squirming backside while she fondles the stunned jester, who clearly isn’t as attracted to her as she is to him.

Lea: *coughs and gags* Wh-Wha?!
Rarity: *nothing but horrified staring*
Kotetsu: Wait a minute! Where’s security?!
Lea: NO KIDDING-What in the-Seriously?! Seriously lady? Have ya gotta sense of personal space... AT ALL?!
Rarity: *reaches over and covers Barnaby’s eyes*
Kotetsu: Oh, thanks!
Rarity: *faintly* It’s the least I could do.

“I need to visit the ladies’ room.”

Rarity: By all means, flee the scene!
Kotetsu: Call the cops!
Lea: And get some cream for that rash!
Rarity: *gives Lea a look* A lady’s hindquarters are none of your business.
Lea: ...Even when she couldn’t stop talking about it like it’s the news of century?
Rarity: Even then. That’s her lack of decorum, not yours.
Lea: Tch, whatever, not my problem.

Nancy pulls away from the jester, who takes advantage of the opportunity to move swiftly over to the next table. “But the Green Knight is about to joust with the mighty Black-And-White Champion!” she shouts, suddenly sober. “You’ll miss the feature battle of the evening!”

Lea: Can’t you see?! The Green will clash with Black and White, and it’ll be a shade of Greenish Gray! The most noblest of the colors!

I roll my eyes. “I’m sure I can catch it another time.”

Ha. Not bloody likely.

Kotetsu: Heh. It’s funny ‘cos of the dismemberment and she said bloody.
Rarity: *covers Barnaby’s ears this time*

I think maybe on the way back from the ladies’ room, I’ll head out for the lobby and ask the tunic-clad maitre’d to order me a taxi.

Rarity: You do realize that the best way to teach your friend to be a better friend is not to be a terrible friend to her as well, right?
Lea: Seriously. I think this lady’s manners is just as bad.
Kotetsu: *o_o* Wait, did they drive there in the first place? Is she gonna let her friend drive home drunk?
Lea: ANNNNND The award for best friend goes to... NOT THIS GIRL. Tch.
Rarity: Are we keeping a Terrible Decisions count yet? I feel like we should be.
Kotetsu: Let’s see, this and the juggler... Do we count coming here in the first place?
Rarity: Yes. Yes, we do.
Kotetsu: Then I got three.
Rarity: I count four. I feel as though this entire friendship is one very large bad decision.
Lea: She’s on a roll, let’s see if she goes for six.
Kotetsu: Let’s raise the stakes a bit. I say ten!
Lea: *snerks* You’re on!
Kotetsu: Loser has to... dress up like a princess!
Lea: Deal, heh heh, totally gonna win this~!
Rarity: That makes me commissioner of this bet, I suppose. Oh, and I am designing the loser’s dress. *a few birds bring her the Bury Dead Guy Here sign, and she flips it over and starts writing* This...entire...friendship. Alright, we are up to date. Do continue.
Kotetsu: *to his rabbit* We so got this, Bunny~
Lea: Alright~ Time to take on the tally!
Rarity: I suppose you should have a teammate too. *puts a squirrel in Lea’s lap*
Lea: Hey cool! *holds the cute Squirrel* I’m gonna name this guy, Bucky.
Rarity: ...her name is Veronica.
Kotetsu: *SNERK*
Lea: ...*stare* Veronica?
Rarity: Yes. Veronica.
Lea: ...*grumbles; he still likes the name Bucky*

I need to get the hell out of here. I know Nancy probably brought me here because she knows I love reading old Sir Walter Scott novels about knights and ladies and the thrill of medieval tournaments. But I was a history major in college, damn it. I’m a real stickler for the details. And when it comes to getting the details of an authentic medieval jousting tournament right, Medieval Worlds is pathetic.

Kotetsu: And... we’ve just gotta take her word for it, I guess.
Rarity: Obviously. She was a history major, after all.
Lea: History! Got it memorized?

I’ve seen better knight costumes in a Saturday Night Live sketch.

And I seriously doubt that Diet Coke, one of the jousting ring’s major sponsors, was on any medieval drink menu.

Lea: Hey, I think I’ll take Diet Coke over... Whatever-Meat-Thing any day.
Kotetsu: Diet Coke - older than you think?
Rarity: With that many preservatives, you never know.
Lea: I think they should have Twinkies here then.

Even if Nancy did bring me here for my birthday, I won’t feel too bad about ditching her this time around.

Rarity: *references the board* We did already count this decision.

She’s obviously having the time of her life all by herself. I’m sure I can have a much better thirtieth birthday party at home alone in my condo, eating Chunky Monkey and catching up on my Sex and the City DVDs.

Lea: ‘Cause you know, that’s the best thing to do. Leave your friend for a TV show while eating... Chunky Mon-... That sounds more gross than that mystery meat stuff.
Kotetsu: We have specific plans now! Does that count for a tally?
Lea: Does it? *scratches head* I mean she didn’t actually do it.
Rarity: It does not. Now we simply have details on how she plans on being a horrible friend. We’re still at four.
Kotetsu: ...but it’s Sex and the City...
Rarity: *gives Kotetsu a pointed look and covers Barnaby’s ears again*

And the fact that my Sex and the City DVD collection is the closest thing I have to a sex life right now won’t even depress me too much, considering the alternative is dodging mystery-meat missiles and getting doused with flying horse manure.

Lea: ...*holds up a finger and puts it back down* I’m gonna refrain from saying something that I might regret...
Rarity: *face buried in hooves* Thank you.
Kotetsu: *has no such reservations!* That’s what SHE said! *preemptively ducks*
Lea: ZING!
Rarity: *calmly picks up Barnaby and puts him in her lap* Here, Barnaby. You can sit with me for a bit while Kotetsu remembers his manners.
Kotetsu: Nooo! Bunnyyyy! *...sulk*
Rarity: *to Barnaby* I did warn him that he was a terrible influence, after all.
Lea: *pats Kotetsu* There there, there there.

I fight my way through the throngs of polyester-costumed waitresses, roving jugglers, jesters, and bleached-blond fair maidens who all help add to Medieval Worlds’ manufactured corporate version of the Middle Ages,

Rarity: Honestly, I’m surprised she’s not having a reaction to all that polyester. *shudders*

and finally make it to the ladies’ room. Of course, the line is a mile long, snaking out the ladies’ room door and down the hallway, ending somewhere in the Medieval Worlds gift shop.

Lea: Well! Now’s a good time to occupy yourself with a bit of time. 99 pieces of mystery meat on the wall, 99 pieces of mystery meat~! Take one down, pass it around 98 pieces of mystery meat!
Rarity: You’re not planning on singing all of those verses, are you?
Lea: Ha ha, no I don’t think so, I’d get annoyed with the song myself.
Rarity: Oh, good. I’d wouldn’t like to have to keep a tally of your bad decisions too. *smiles brightly at him*
Lea: ...*Lineface, so much lineface. B|*
Kotetsu: *snickering*
Lea: *Pouts and folds his arms around the squirrel, in a huff. Bucky Veronica is the only one who loves him now darn it.*

And as usual, there’s no line for the men’s room at all. I’m really not in the mood to stand around staring at racks of overpriced stuffed knights and toy plastic jousting lances while I wait a half-hour to pee.

Rarity: *As Ron Burgundy* Stay classy, San Diego.

So I take a quick glance over my shoulder to make sure nobody’s looking, and head straight for the men’s room.

Kotetsu: That’s another one!
Rarity: *writing* Using...the...colt’s...room. That’s five.
Lea: Geeze, lady, patience much?
Kotetsu: I wanna know what all these other women are looking at that they don’t notice her doing this...
Rarity: A lady knows better than to stare at somepony else’s poor decisions. Honestly, I don’t know why she doesn’t simply wait until she gets home.
Kotetsu: POTTY EMERGENCY!
Lea: Hey, look at what kind of place they’re at. I betcha anything those girls will judge anything to horses to jesters.
Rarity: I would think you would waive your right to judge anything simply by walking in the door of this place.

I’ve never been in an actual men’s room before.

Rarity: I should certainly hope not!
Lea: Guess she never did that on accident before...
Rarity: Oh, I’m sure she would tell us all about it in excruciating detail if she had.
Lea: *eye roll* Probably exaggerate the whole lot of it too.
Kotetsu: Nah. She’d have taken a class in college on restroom layouts and tell us that everything was WRONG, but... not tell us how.
Lea: Yup.

Sure, I’ve encountered those unisex one-toilet jobbies in dive bars and such, but I don’t have any experience with urinals and all that goes with them.

Kotetsu: I should certainly hope not!
Rarity: ...yes! Exactly that!

So I’m totally unprepared for the godawful stench of old pee, urinal cakes, and cheap disinfectant that hits me in the face like a thrown brick the second I open the men’s room door.

Lea: Wow. Stay classy.
Rarity: *has an utterly disgusted expression on her face* ...what were you expecting, exactly?
Kotetsu: Cinnamon and roses? I dunno.
Lea: Most men cover their bathrooms with whimsical flowers and cologne everywhere, didn’t you know? *eye roll*

The other thing I’m totally unprepared for is the sight of the drop-dead gorgeous man standing at the first urinal.

Rarity: Celestia forbid you find a man in the men’s room.
Kotetsu: Not expecting a man in the men’s room. That count?
Rarity: That’s not so much a decision as it is an utter lack of common sense. We’re still at five.
Lea: Durrr gee, I wonder if this bathroom for men will be completely void of me-OOPSEY DAISY-A myan~!
Kotetsu: Maybe she expected a butt-ugly man instead?
Lea: Her expectations were way too high from the beginning I’d say.

He’s tall, six-foot-five if he’s a day,

Rarity: And twenty-five years old if he’s an inch!

with wavy red hair that falls to his shoulders, deep green eyes, chiseled features.

Lea: ...*snerk*
Rarity: *looks at the description, then back to Lea, then back to the description, then back to Lea...and shakes her head slowly*
Lea: *gives a nod* Sounds like this girl got a little bit of good taste.
Kotetsu: *cough* Very little.
Rarity: And here I thought you wouldn’t want to be associated with this story.
Lea: Well I wouldn’t want to be associated with this gal no, or any of her... Buddies. But hey, I’ll take the red-head compliments~
Rarity: From the girl whose bad decisions we’re recording.
Lea: *folds his arms, pouts* Red-heads are cool!
Rarity: *pats his knee* There, there. I’m certain you can do better than her.
Lea: *Tsuns, forever, the pouting Rarity. The pouting, you’re doing a good job with this.*

He’s wearing knight’s attire, but not the cheesy, ill-fitting polyester tunics the other out-of-work stage actors posing at knights back in the Medieval Worlds dining arena are. This man’s tunic and breeches are cut of the finest silk, trimmed in something that looks like real gold.

Rarity: I think that’s the first sentence in this story that I’ve actually liked.
Kotetsu: Funny where you find cosplayers these days.

It’s by far the most authentic medieval costume I’ve seen outside of a history book, and it’s decorating a physique right out of a hall of Greek gods. The sight of him is dazzling.

Lea: ...WHY ARE YOU STARING AT HIM WHILE HE’S PEEING?!
Rarity: Language! *writing* Staring...while..................just staring. That’s six.
Lea: I-I’m sorry, but-SERIOUSLY?!

And the sight of the huge cock the knight is holding in his right hand as he shakes off the last few drops of pee is even more dazzling.

Lea: ........ *twitch.... twitch twitch*.......... *sloooowly covers Bucky-Veronica’s eyes*
Rarity: .....................................................................................*no. words.*
Kotetsu: ...guuuuys, I don’t think I want to read the rest of this. Can I have my bunny back now?
Rarity: *wordlessly places Barnaby on his lap and picks up another bunny to hold, covering said bunny’s eyes*
Kotetsu: *makes sure Barnaby is facing AWAY from the scary, scary words* There, there...

I haven’t seen a cock that big, thick and luscious in -- well, never.

Rarity: ......................................................................................*high-pitched noises of distress*
Lea: ...Oh... My....
Kotetsu: Well, when one admits one’s sex life consists mostly of Sex and th-...
Rarity: DON’T. FINISH. THAT. SENTENCE.
Kotetsu: Shutting up.

The knight turns his head to face me. My jaw must be dragging the floor by now, because after meeting my eyes, he smiles and says, “You might want to close those beautiful lips of yours, milady, before something putrid flies inside. This isn’t the most sanitary place in the realm, you see.”

Lea: Wha... Whaaaaaaaaaaaa?? *eyelid still twitching*
Rarity: *looks like she may either explode or start crying* Really! You don’t say!
Kotetsu: Oh, the dirty jokes one could make. ...b-but I’m not gonna! *glances at Rarity, grins innocently*
Rarity: *we are approaching Pinkamina levels of broken. Watch your step, sir.*

The knight speaks with a foreign accent, though I can’t quite place from where. His voice is lilting, melodious, almost a combination of French, Scottish and English accents.

Rarity: So he’s...unintelligible, then.
Lea: The answer is European.
Kotetsu: Ohai, Tommy Wiseau!

It’s like nothing I’ve ever heard before. And it’s turning my crotch to cream.

Lea: ........................................ Ew.
Kotetsu: O-KAY. How old are you guys again?
Rarity: *staring desperately at her sign* Please, please make another poor decision! I need something else to focus on! Please!
Kotetsu: Maybe she should just leave and go see a doctor about that...
Rarity: *wailing* But that’s a good decision!

This mystery man is like every sexy Sir Knight I read about in Ivanhoe, and then some.

I don’t need to pee anymore. Now I just need to get laid.

Kotetsu: There! Bad decision. Bad decision!
Rarity: But she hasn’t made it yet! It’s still just bad internal monologue!
Lea: *head in hands* I... Honestly did not see that coming.
Kotetsu: ...gotta admit, Rarity, I admire your devotion to this.

The knight gives me a knowing smile, and jiggles his giant cock in my direction.

Rarity: *sobs despairingly into her bunny, who looks none too pleased with this development*
Kotetsu: *...discreetly moves his hat to the seat next to him - does NOT want it becoming an impromptu hankie, too*
Lea: *can only turn his head, and look at this in disgust*

“You look like a fair maiden in need of a good visit from the codpiece,” he says.

Kotetsu: *facepalm* An authentic medieval bad pick-up line?
Lea: Tch, You think an “Oh baby” would be in this dialogue as well.
Rarity: *just yelling at the screen* No! No, you are not a gentlecolt and you do not say that to a lady, bad decisions or no!
Kotetsu: I-it’s almost over! It’s okay!
Rarity: ’Almost’ isn’t soon enough!
Kotetsu: Well... yeah... But it could always be worse!
Rarity: *GLARES at Kotetsu* Don’t. Even. Start.
Kotetsu: ...*hides behind Barnaby ...somehow*
Lea: It’s gonna be ok... It’s gonna be ok just... I’ll get us all ice cream and some brain bleach-Somehow.
Kotetsu: Yeah! Ice cream is good, right?
Lea: Ice Cream makes everything better... *winces* I hope.
Rarity: *takes a deep, shaky breath* Ice cream...does help, yes.
Lea: *gives a small reassuring smile* I’ll get you the chocolate kind.
Kotetsu: With sprinkles.
Lea: We’ll make sure to get the cherry on top too, don’t worry.

Woah, Nellie.

Lea: Woah, Nellie indeed. Woah a lot of things actually. WOAH THIS WHOLE STORY.

Not only is this man the sexy sir knight of my dreams,

Rarity: And everypony else’s nightmares.

now he’s offering me his very substantial codpiece on a platter.

Kotetsu: ...I don’t think the author knows what a codpiece really is.
Rarity: I’m just happy she’s stopped using...other terms for it. *shudders*
Lea: *clears his throat, if he wasn’t blushing already at this context, he is now.*

How is this even possible? Am I hallucinating?

Lea: Geeze, I hope you are hallucinating!
Kotetsu: Was was in that mystery meat, anyway?
Rarity: And are we certain it didn’t give her a concussion back on the first page?
Lea: Now I really don’t want to know what was in that mystery meat.

Were the two bites of mystery meat I forced down back in the dining hall somehow laced with PCP?

Rarity: *writing* Eating...the...meat. That brings us up to seven.-
Kotetsu: C’mon... three more. You can do it!

Have I died from smelling too many urinal fumes and subsequently gone to heaven?

Kotetsu: Geez, lady, they don’t smell that bad.
Lea: And I’m pretty sure nasty smells won’t make you think of things like heaven.

“Are you all right, milady?” Gorgeous Knight asks. “You seem a trifle ensconced.”

Ensconced? I don’t even know what that means.

Kotetsu: *pulls out Dan from under the seat* Ensconced - “to settle securely and snugly” or “to cover or shelter; hide securely”.
Rarity: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
Kotetsu: Isn’t she some big-time history major? Shouldn’t she know this?

Maybe he means I look horny. Because I’m sure I do.

Lea: *facepalms*
Kotetsu: Going by the definition, I’d guess that he thinks her clothes are too tight.
Lea: *just groaning at the horribleness of all this*
Kotetsu: ...different kind of horny than Rarity is. *taps his forehead*
Lea: *looks over at Kotetsu, with a twitch*
Rarity: I should certainly hope so. I’d hate to be associated with her at all.

Gorgeous Knight smiles again. “What I mean to say, milady, is that you appear to be hiding from someone. Or something. Is that so?”

Lea: Oh.... Baby? *So disgusted at this he can’t even.*
Rarity: She’s obviously looking for safety, so obviously you should take advantage of...no. No, I can’t finish that.
Kotetsu: Y’know, if he weren’t dressed as a knight, she’d be calling the cops right about now...

“You could say that.” It’s the truth, if not the whole truth. I’m not about to admit I ducked inside a stinking, filthy men’s room to escape the corny corporate version of the Middle Ages that Gorgeous Mystery Knight here obviously works for. If I’m going to get my hands around that codpiece of his, I can’t risk offending him.

Lea: ...Lady... I think one would be offended already if you were staring at them while they were doing their business.
Rarity: Yes, but I think he has already proven himself an exception to that rule.

“Say no more, milady.” Gorgeous Mystery Knight tucks his beautiful cock back inside his breeches.

Rarity: THANK CELESTIA.

“I know a place where we can both hide from the world, and have a wonderful time together while we’re at it.”

Kotetsu: I know a place where you can get away! It’s called the dance floor. And here’s what it’s for, so... *stops when Barnaby glares up at him*
Rarity: I thought for certain you were going to say “prison.”
Kotetsu: Actually, that’s a much better idea.
Lea: ...Rock the jailhouse, rock?

He raises his eyebrows suggestively and grabs at his crotch, rearranging his formidable equipment. “If you get my meaning.”

Lea: *acts like the Knight* If you catch my obvious innuendo.
Rarity: *as girl* And obviously I’ll act on it, since I make such terrible decisions!

My own crotch goes volcanic.

Lea: ...Well now that just sounds painful.
Rarity: ..........................................................................................*once again: no. words.*
Kotetsu: You sure you shouldn’t see a doctor about that?
Lea: I think she needs to see the doctor about... A LOT of things.
Rarity: Starting with the concussion and subsequent hallucinations.
Lea: And... Volcanic... Uggggh... What am I reading?!

I can’t believe what is happening.

All: Neither can we.

One minute, I’m sitting on a hay bale in a cheesy corporate pseudo-arena, bored out of my gourd and contemplating going home so I can masturbate to the sight of Carrie Bradshaw and Mr. Big doing it on TV.

Lea: ...You are sad strange little woman... And you have no pity from me.
Rarity: *has decided to name her bunny Delilah...and covers its ears*

Now I’ve got a drop-dead gorgeous mystery knight propositioning me in a public restroom.

Lea: Did you even think about that sentence just now?!
Rarity: I’m certain I’ve seen a public safety video with just this scenario...
Kotetsu: Stranger danger!

Either I’m going completely insane, or today is the best day of my life.

Lea: Nope. You’re just insane. I-N-S-A-N-E. We all got that memorized, do you?
Kotetsu: I’ll second that.
Rarity: Definitely insanity. Thirded.

But before I can give my current predicament any more thought, Gorgeous Mystery Knight grabs my arm and whisks me to the far end of the restroom. “Follow me, milady,” he says

Lea: IT’S A TRAP!!
Rarity: We can’t handle sleaziness of this magnitude!

opening the stall door to the men’s room’s lone sit-down toilet.

Rarity: That was certainly a short journey.

It’s filthy, just like everything else in here. I’m not sure a filthy men’s room stall is a very nice place to take a ride on a knight’s codpiece.

Kotetsu: Would you stop calling it that!? You’re way past the point of not-as-cute-as-you-think euphemisms!

Still, beggars can’t be choosers...

Rarity: We have an entire scorecard that says otherwise.
Lea: And Lady, you’re begging all the wrong decisions.
Kotetsu: *points!* Following him to the stall! That’s another one!
Lea: *rubs his forehead-Shoot... I’m gonna be wearing a dress aren’t I?*
Rarity: She’s hesitating. I’m not going to count it quite yet, though she is close.
Lea: YEEES~!
Kotetsu: ...boooo.
Rarity: Would you like me to take Barnaby again?
Kotetsu: *clings!* No!
Rarity: I thought so.
Lea: *sticks his tongue out at Kotetsu*
Kotetsu: *sticks his tongue out at Lea*
Rarity: And I will put you both in dresses if that behavior continues.
Lea: ...*pout*
Kotetsu: *ditto*
Rarity: Much better.

“You hesitate, milady,” Gorgeous Knight says. “This, I can understand. After all, a privy is no place for love.

Kotetsu: ...words I was not expecting to read today...
Rarity: I repeat: you don’t say!

But I think perhaps if you look again, you’ll see something a trifle different.”

Rarity: Oh, yes, if there’s one thing that benefits from a second look, it’s a restroom!

He opens the stall door a bit wider, and motions for me to move closer.

Against my better judgment, I do.

Rarity: *writing* Actually...going...with him. That’s eight, and the first time she’s actually acknowledged it’s a bad decision.
Kotetsu: Whoo-hoo!
Lea: *double face-palm* Uggggh...

And I see something that takes my breath away.

Rarity: Whimsical flowers and cologne!
Lea: WHIIIIMSY~!
Kotetsu: Someone forgot to flush. Eeeeew!

---------------------------------------------------------------------

What the hell just happened?

Lea: My question exactly.
Rarity: I don’t want to know.

One minute, I’m in a men’s room about to get laid by a gorgeous man in a knight costume.

Rarity: I just said I didn’t want to know!

The next, I’m in a castle.

Kotetsu: Waaaait a minute, isn’t this the plot to Kyo Kara Maoh? ...minus the sleeze.
Lea: Someone wrote a plot similar to that?
Kotetsu: Well, it was actually a guy, and he got flushed down the toilet...
Lea: ...Well I wouldn’t wanna be that guy.
Kotetsu: Oh! And then he accidentally got engaged to another guy.
Lea: ...Now that’s just complicated on so many different levels.
Rarity: You mean the sleaze isn’t the plot of this story?
Kotetsu: Well, this one is...

And not a fake castle made out of steel and concrete where they sell toy plastic swords and overpriced Salisbury steak. A real castle. With a moat. And a drawbridge. And a bunch of very smelly people who look like henchmen. And...

Lea: ...Wow, her hallucinations are really doing an number on her, aren’t they?
Kotetsu: You think she’d hallucinate about non-smelly people.
Rarity: Given what we’ve seen of her internal monologue, I highly doubt it.

Oh. My. God.

Kotetsu: *all valleygirl* Becky. Look at her butt.
Lea: *also* It’s just so big and round. And like out there.
Rarity: *confiscates Barnaby and Veronica*
Lea: Aw c’mon!
Kotetsu: That’s not fair!
Rarity: It was your decision to make that reference, was it not?
Kotetsu: I couldn’t help it!
Lea: *all the pouting, all of it*

I think I’ve just been teleported back in time.

Rarity: *as Caboose* Oh. My. God. The portal sent me back in time!
Lea: Leeeet’s do the time warp agaaaaaain~!
Kotetsu: Are you telling me that you built a time machine... out of a bathroom stall?!
Rarity: It’s not any less ludicrous than a police box; it’s simply far less hygenic.
Lea: I think I’ll have to ask the Doctor about that one.
Kotetsu: Doctor who?
Rarity: Precisely!
Kotetsu: ...
Lea: *laughs*
Kotetsu: Can I have my bunny back now?

Either that, or that toilet stall back in the Medieval Worlds’ men’s room was the back door into their first-class dining room.

Rarity: I’m certain that architect never found work again.
Lea: He got lost in the timewarp.

You know, the one where the knights aren’t all bad out-of-work stage actors and the waitresses aren’t wearing ill-fitting polyester fairy-princess gowns. This place actually looks authentic.

A little too authentic.

Rarity: It is impossible to please this girl.
Lea: Tch, seriously.
Kotetsu: A little too impossible.

Gorgeous Mystery Knight puts an arm around my waist. “Welcome to Bellwhether Castle, milady,” he says. “Welcome to my home.”

Lea: ...I have... No words.
Rarity: Isn’t this how horror movies start?
Lea: *nods dreadfully*
Kotetsu: His home in the stinky men’s room. I know I’d be charmed!
Rarity: *looking at the Bad Decisions Scorecard* We ended the chapter at eight, which is right between six and ten.
Lea: So wait... Is this, like a tie-breaker?
Kotetsu: We both win, right?
Lea: I’d like it we both win yea.
Rarity: I rather think it means I get to put you both in dresses.
Lea: Whaaa?! Aw hey c’mon! That ain’t fair!
Kotetsu: Totally unfair!
Lea: Can’t we have some kinda tie-breaker instead?!
Rarity: Oh, all right. Let’s see...
Kotetsu: We could ask the Mads...?
Lea: Not a bad idea...
Rarity: *thinking aloud* Well, I only had to take Veronica away once, but I had to take Barnaby away twice. Lea is the winner!
Lea: AWWWWWWWW YEA~! *fist pump*
Kotetsu: WHAT!? That’s not fair at all! I had Barnaby a lot longer!
Rarity: And you also made more poor decisions.
Lea: *shakes his finger* Now now Kotetsu, don’t be a sore loser~!
Kotetsu: But...! But...!
Rarity: Come by my studio for measurements, please. I’m sure Barnaby will be very happy to see you there. *smiles at them both and gets up to leave, Barnaby, Veronica, and Delilah all perched happily on her back*
Lea: *grins* Oho, I gotta see this.
Kotetsu: *grabs his hat and stomps out oh-so-maturely*
Rarity: Of course, I’ll need measurements for your outfit too, Lea.
Lea: Hahahaaaaah-Eh? Wha? My outfit? B-But I won, didn’t I?
Rarity: You did! And you’ll note that I said outfit, not dress. Honestly, I’ll never understand why boys think fashion is such a punishment. *Heads out of the theater with her posse of animals trailing in her wake*
Lea: Wha-But-Huh?! What did she mea-Wha?!? *Just... Stands there, Lea is confused, Lea hurts himself in confusion.*